May 18, 2012

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If Spongebob Squarepants was a Paramedic

July 24, 2011 By 3 Comments

This week I reached out to people over Twitter and Facebook to see who should be the next “Celebrity Medic”. I received a ton of great responses and I had a hard time choosing, so I consulted my wife and my daughter to help me pick out the best one. It took them about 3 seconds to choose @paramedicintern‘s recommendation, so here it is!

Our “Celebrity Medic” this week features a rather young fellow that has lit up children’s TV screens for several years now. While he currently has a steady job working as a grill-chef at Bikini Bottom’s popular “Krusty Crab”, he may one day decide to further his career and pursue another line of work that doesn’t include flipping burgers and cleaning floors. So why not go after a job in EMS? I can’t think of a better job for a young man with such the ambition and work ethic that he has. So let’s ask ourselves the question of the week:

What kind of paramedic would Spongebob Squarepants be?

Shifts

While Spongebob is used to the standard 9-5 shift, he has plenty of energy to work nights, weekends and any other time that he would be needed. It would be my guess that with all of his energy and enthusiasm, he would probably be on-duty 24/7.

Response

Spongebob isn’t exactly a real high-tech kid, so I would imagine that he would utilize the traditional 2-way radio and quick-call system to be notified of emergencies. This could easily be done by modifying his “ship-horn” alarm clock to be used as a quick-call bell. This would also help to ensure that he never misses a call.

Dispatch

The dispatch center for Spongebob’s ambulance service would be located 2 doors down from his current headquarters. Of course, the dispatching would be handled by none other than Patrick Star. While Patrick doesn’t exactly possess the intelligence to effectively run a dispatch center, he is loyal and is the only person that can truly communicate well with Spongebob.

Partner

Squidward Tentacles would be a good match for working with Spongebob as he already has experience dealing with him in the workplace. However, he would match the stereotype as the disgruntled, burnt-out partner. He would also have to handle all of the driving as Spongebob doesn’t currently have his boating license.

Hospitals

Bikini-bottom would be served by 2 main hospitals. KMC (Krusty Medical-Center) would be operated by Mr. Eugene Crabbs and would feature cardiac, stroke, OB and trauma capabilities. While they would provide all levels of emergency care, they would primarily specialize in fish-hook and gill-net injuries. CBR (Chum Bucket Regional) would be run by Plankton and wouldn’t be nearly as popular as it wouldn’t offer any specialty services and wouldn’t have any insurance contracts.

Treatment

Spongebob would specialize in trauma care as he can easily mold himself around his patient’s body to form either a splint or a backboard. He can also soak up lost blood for re-transfusion when they arrive at the hospital. During his down time, he may also be called by the local police department to mop up crime scenes.

Conclusion

Spongebob’s ambition, caring personality and energy would make him a perfect fit for a job in EMS. He would be sure to serve Bikini Bottom well.

Have an idea for next weeks “Celebrity Medic”?. E-Mail me or tell over Twitter with the #celebritymedic hashtag. 


Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Featured, Humor Tagged With: , , , , , ,

If Anthony Weiner was a Paramedic

July 17, 2011 By 1 Comment

This weeks “Celebrity Medic” features a young politician who has stolen the news headlines over the past couple months. With all the recent negative publicity, and his recent resignation from congress, many of us are left to wonder where Mr. Weiner’s career is going to take him. Now that he has left office, what is he going to do next? Well, this would be the perfect opportunity for him to take up a job in the pre-hospital medical field. After all, we are used to negative press and public scrutiny. A job like this would be right up Mr. Wiener’s alley. So that of course leaves us to ask the question of the week:

What kind of Paramedic would Anthony Weiner be?

 Shifts

People working at Mr. Weiner’s ambulance service wouldn’t work the traditional 12 or 24-hour shifts. Instead they would work in “sessions” that wouldn’t include weekends, holidays and the majority of the summer.

Documentation

Patient care reports would come in 2 parts for Mr. Weiner’s EMS service. The first report would be completed and made available for viewing immediately after the incident. This report would be reviewed and investigated for accuracy over the course of a couple weeks. A second, revised version of the report would then be released to correct errors and inconsistencies from the previous report.

Radio Reports

Anthony Weiner is one to take advantage of what modern technology has to offer. Rather than utilize the age-old standard of communicating through 2-way radios, he would use social-media to his advantage. Instead of just giving a verbal report of his findings, he would use his cell-phone to take pictures of his patient’s body parts in order to provide a thorough report of what he found during his assessment. These pictures would of course be posted on Twitter and addressed to the nurses at the receiving hospital.

Uniform

Mr. Weiner probably thinks trauma pants and jump suits are a dying trend. He isn’t one to conform to the traditional EMS standard of uniforms. Instead, he would wear tight, gray, “trauma-shorts” and a small, white, uniform shirt. This would allow for flexibility and comfort during the hotter times of the year.

Management

Mr. Wiener’s EMS service would require strict supervision. Fortunately, this would be provided by other former politicians who come to the service with more experience from similar backgrounds. The service would be headed by Operation’s Manager, Bill Clinton. While he is little more “old-school” and not as well versed in the on-line technology that the service utilizes, he certainly comes with great wisdom and a lot of background in employee-relations. Second in command would be handled by none other than former California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. His background in keeping internal affairs confidential would prove to be extremely useful.

Conclusion

With Anthony’s departure from congress, this is the perfect time for him to take on a new career in the pre-hospital medical field. His public relations skills, knowledge of social-media and extensive education in human anatomy make him a perfect fit for a job as a paramedic.


Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Featured, Humor Tagged With: , , , , ,

If Dwight Schrute Was a Paramedic

March 4, 2011 By Leave a Comment

March is here, and what better way to kick off “The Office” month then a Celebrity Medic write up on Dwight K. Schrute? With his boss leaving the cast, it is uncertain where Mr. Schrute will find himself. Some speculate that he will take over as office manager, while others think that perhaps he too will look for other forms of employment. Personally, I think Dwight and the rest of the office staff should turn their business around and start an ambulance service. So let’s kick off “The Office” month with the question we have all been waiting to answer:

What kind of paramedic would Dwight Schrute be?

Shifts

While it would appear that Dwight prefers the 9-5 schedule, he would actually be on duty 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You wouldn’t know this because he would be an under-cover paramedic.

Response

Dwight isn’t one for relying on other people to call-take and dispatch his calls for help. Instead he would have his calls routed to his work phone at Dunder Mifflin. Being that Dwight takes a more investigative approach to patient care, his patients would not be calling him directly for help. Instead, random people would call into his anonymous tip line to alert him of ill and injured people in the public. He would then set out to find them and take appropriate action.

Vehicle

Being that Dwight works under-cover, the traditional ambulance or first-responder vehicle wouldn’t be sufficient. Instead he would continue to drive his red 1987 Pontiac Firebird and utilize his police detective light to operate code-3 when necessary. His vehicle would also be equipped with archives of Mötley Crüe albums to get him pumped up in the back seat before entering the scene of a call.

Scene Safety

With Dwight’s experience as a volunteer sheriffs deputy, his large arsenal of weapons, and his training in Goju Ryu, I think it’s safe to say that he would not have to be cleared into a potentially dangerous scene. However, it would still be a good idea to respond the authorities to make sure that no unnecessary force was used.

Treatment

Dwight doesn’t like doing on-scene work, and transporting to the hospital isn’t quite his style either. Instead Mr. Schrute would transport the ill and injured to his 9 bedroom house on his beet farm, where they would be sheltered and medically evaluated by his partner Moses. Dwight would keep emergency medications hidden around the house in places like ceiling panels, the toaster, under the bed and inside the light fixtures. This would allow for quick and easy access in the event of a medical emergency. Trauma care would consist of old-fashioned techniques like “walk it off” or “suck it up”.

In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is “ow, I hurt my leg, I can’t run, a lion eats me, and I’m dead.” Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion………your dead.

-Dwight K Schrute

Uniform

For Dwight’s under-cover job as a paramedic, the traditional EMS uniform wouldn’t cut it. Instead he would continue to wear his mustard-colored shirt and tie with a badge on his belt labeled “DMEMS”, which stands for “Dunder Mifflin Emergency Medical Services”.

Specialties

While Dwight is fairly well versed in all forms of medical care, he is especially educated in treatment of bear attacks, and organ harvesting.

Conclusion

Almost all of Dwights talents would give him an upper hand when it comes to pre-hospital care. His experience in sales would give him the ability to talk patients into going to the hospital while his training in investigations would allow him to complete a thorough assessment. In addition, his knowledge of trauma, experience as a sheriff’s deputy, ability to adapt and knowledge of the outdoors would make him a perfect candidate for a job in EMS.

Stay tuned for next weeks “Celebrity Medic” to find out which Office character will be the next to take up a job in EMS.



Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Featured, Humor Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Yes Pain

March 3, 2011 By 5 Comments

If you have been working in EMS for longer than 2 seconds then you have probably come across this type of scenario:

(Patient involved in minor traffic accident)

Sean – I’m going to asses you for injuries, let me know if anything hurts.

Patient – Oh that hurts! (left shoulder)

Sean – OK, how about your arm?

Patient – Yes

Sean  - On a scale of 10 out of…

Patient – 10! Definitely 10!

Sean – Any pain in your chest when I palpate it?

Patient – Yes!

Sean – How about your right arm?

Patient – Yes!

Sean – Any pain in your abdomen when I push….

Patient – Oh yes, it hurts.

Sean – ……ok……how about your left foot?

Patient – Yes that hurts too.

(you can see where this is going)

Ever wonder how you document this or explain it to the nursing staff when you transfer care? I used to use phrases like “generalized body pain with no obvious deformities or signs of trauma”, now I just call it “yes pain”.

(Back at the ER)

Nurse – Whatcha got?

Sean – Patient involved in a 10mph rear-end collision, no LOC, restrained, no airbag deployment, no passenger space intrusion, self-extricated, only complaining of “yes pain”.

Nurse – ……..yes pain?

Sean – Yea, just ask the patient if it hurts.

Nurse – If what hurts?

Sean – Anything…..

Nurse – (starting to get the picture) um, sir does your left hip hurt?

Patient – Yes!

Nurse – *sigh*……point taken, ready for a signature?

I fully expect the publishers of the medical dictionaries to be contacting me anytime now.


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If Weird Al Yankovic Was a Paramedic

February 25, 2011 By 4 Comments

This week’s Celebrity Medic is someone that I grew up listening to. His creative parodies bring laughter to people all over the world. From “Fat” to “Amish Paradise”, he has shown the world that there just simply isn’t a song in existence that can’t be re-written. But lately he has been relatively quiet. Some speculate that he is enjoying an early retirement, while others wonder if he might have just run out of material. Either way, now is his golden opportunity for a career change. And as you might have guessed, I think a job in pre-hospital care would be right up his alley.

So on to the question of the week: What kind of paramedic would Weird Al be?

Shifts

I would imagine that Mr. Yankovic wouldn’t be assigned to a specific area, but would travel around the country working 2-3 hours at a time.

Protocols

The protocols for Weird Al’s ambulance service wouldn’t be written in the traditional format. Instead they would be written in the form of songs like “Shock It”, “Myocardial Paradise” and “The Intubation Polka”.

Treatment

If laughter is the best medicine, then working in EMS is right up Weird Al’s alley. Rather than actually treat conditions, he would mock the disease processes and mechanisms of injury until the patient feels better.

Partner

There is only one person who could work with Weird Al, and I think we all know who it is. Cledus T Judd.

Uniform

There is no one uniform that would work for Weird Al’s service. He would have to quickly change into various costumes to match the patients condition in order to carry out his treatment plans. For example, drug overdose patients would require a costume resembling a large syringe, while victims of a vehicle collision would require a tow-truck drivers uniform.

Conclusion

While Mr. Yankovic has no formal training or background in the medical field, his ability to create laughter and his creative mind would make him a perfect fit in the pre-hospital field.

So now for your viewing pleasures, one of my favorite Weird Al videos.


Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Featured, Humor Tagged With: , , , , , ,

If Dr. House Was a Paramedic

February 11, 2011 By 4 Comments

After a needed break, the Celebrity Medic series is back! This week we are going to discuss someone who in my opinion, could be the best candidate for a job in EMS yet. Dr. House has made quite the living entertaining us on Monday nights for some time now, but like any other TV show, all good things must come to an end. So what happens to the arrogant, yet extremely smart doctor once they pull the plug? He could retire and enjoy a life at ease, but I think we all know that wouldn’t happen. He would need some form of additional income to help fund his gambling habit, and what better way than a career in EMS? So then we must ask ourselves the big question….

What kind of paramedic would Dr. House be?

Response

Unlike most EMS providers who respond to pagers and quick-call systems, Dr. House would be tracked down by his boss to inform him of an interesting call. For the most part, he would handle all of the critical cases. That is unless he gets in trouble. In that case, he would be assigned dialysis transfer duty for a duration decided by his boss.

Vehicle

I find it hard to believe that Dr. House would have any job satisfaction driving around in an ambulance all day. Instead, he would utilize his motorcycle and ride in with the responding crew if he felt it necessary. This probably wouldn’t happen often as he would fix most of his patients on scene, eliminating the need for a hospital visit.

Shifts

While it’s difficult to determine what kind of shift he would work, we do know that it would be one that requires the least amount of hours possible.

Protocols

It wouldn’t really matter what’s allowed at Dr. House’s ambulance service, because he wouldn’t follow the protocols. That is unless those protocols allowed things like performing a liver transplant on scene of a vehicle accident, or ignoring DNR orders.

Partner

Dr. House would most likely want a team rather than a partner. But if I had to take a guess, I would say that Dr. Wilson would be the best fit for the job. He’s used to House’s antics and can counter-balance his negativity on scene. Plus he’s great with dying patients.

Specialties

While Dr. House’s service would respond to all types of critical calls, they would definitely specialize in pain management. We already know that House is well educated and experienced in the techniques of narcotic administration.

Scene Safety

Being cleared into a scene is something that Dr. House wouldn’t wait for. Chances are, he would bust into any situation, regardless of the dangers. While this could be dangerous and potentially lethal, it could reduce or eliminate the need for hazmat, law enforcement and technical rescue. This would be beneficial to the public safety workers as well, as they most likely wouldn’t like working with House anyway.

Conclusion

Dr. House’s previous medical experience, ability to see past lies, critical thinking skills, laziness and arrogance would make him a perfect fit for a job in EMS.

Have an idea for the next “Celebrity Medic”? E-Mail me at sean@medicmadness.com


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If Steve Jobs was a Paramedic

December 10, 2010 By Leave a Comment

It’s rare that you can walk down the street or stop by your local coffee shop and not see someone texting away on their iPhone or blogging on their macbook. The once “underdog” of the tech world has become the new driving force in not only the mobile phone world, but the computing world as well. But what goes up must go down. What’s going to happen to Mr. Jobs when the next person takes the thrown as the King of the tech world? Many would speculate that he could enjoy a comfortable retirement with all of the money that he has made. But I suggest that he take up a career in pre-hospital emergency medical care.

So if this were to happen, then we would have to ask ourselves the billion dollar question: What kind of paramedic would Steve Jobs be?

Shifts

Just like his mobile devices, there isn’t any real way to remove Steve’s power source. He would have no choice but to continually work around the clock regardless of whether or not his patients have requested his service.

Response

Obviously the modern tech-guru wouldn’t utilize an old system like a quick call or 2-way radio. Instead, he would be notified via a web submission form that is then forwarded to an e-mail address that generates a SMS message on his phone that is transmitted to his glasses / micro display monitor via Bluetooth.

Vehicle

Steve would most likely respond in his newly released product, the iRescue. Unlike traditional ambulances that come in all shapes and sizes, each iRescue is exactly the same and only uses engine parts manufactured by Apple’s new emergency vehicle department. The ambulance features a touch screen steering wheel, a single round button to operate the siren and is electric powered. Unfortunately the vehicle is not very durable, extremely expensive and does not come with a factory warranty.

Continuing Education

People working for Job’s ambulance service would receive protocol updates via iTunes. These updates would take hours to complete and therefore would easily satisfy the typical required 48 hours of CE’s for license renewal.

Radio Reports

As mentioned earlier, Mr. Job’s wouldn’t be utilizing ancient technology to hand off patient information. Instead he would utilize expedient data transfer methods like e-mail and text messages. The ability to include pictures in transmitted reports unfortunately won’t be available until later releases of his iPCR software.

Protocols

Patient care guidelines for Mr. Job’s service are very strict and not available for public viewing. Also, patients requesting care from his service must already be users of at least 2 of his products.

Equipment

Now what kind of tech guy doesn’t come with his own set of gadgets? Steve is no exception. Here is a list of some tools that would be used in Mr. Job’s ambulance service:

  • iShock – ECG Monitor / Defibrillator that features a high-def screen and is controlled by a single wheel-like touchpad.
  • iSuck – Portable battery-powered suction device. The power is controlled by a touch-screen control panel.
  • iBreathe - Portable ventilator that is controlled remotely via an iPhone / iPad app.
  • iPump – Automated chest compression device that links with the iBreath via Bluetooth for complete synchronization.

Have an idea for next weeks “Celebrity Medic”? E-Mail me at sean@medicmadness.com


Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Featured Tagged With: , , , , ,

If Charlie Sheen was a Paramedic

November 26, 2010 By Leave a Comment

The well-known star seen in the hit tv-series “2 and a half men”, has been all over the headlines recently. Many people have criticized the actor’s lifestyle and are now wondering what will happen to his career if he keeps up this questionable behavior. Could this be the end of his role on the “big screen”? If so, what will he do next? If Charlie was to make a complete lifestyle change, why not change his career completely and take up a job in EMS? A change like this would of course lead us to the question of the week.

What kind of paramedic would Charlie Sheen be?

Shifts:

Your average 12 or 24 hour shift wouldn’t work so well for the long-time actor. Instead, you would see something like a 30 minute shift, one day a week, on Mondays at 9pm / 8pm central time.

Response:

Mr. Sheen wouldn’t respond to a typical 911 call. Instead, he chooses his patients and pays them to accept medical treatment and transport to the closest most appropriate hospital. It should be known that he typically selects attractive young women.

Partner:

While I’m sure that many people would like to work for Mr. Sheen’s ambulance service, I think the only logical choice for a partner would be his sober coach. Having a positive influence would be especially important when working in the emergency medical field.

Radio Reports:

Rather than utilize a 2-way radio system, Mr. Sheen would hand off patient information to the nursing staff via “flirty” text messages and tabloid articles.

Response Times:

If there is one thing Charlie Sheen is good for, it’s keeping track of time. He could utilize his extensive watch collection to keep track of all response times and to ensure a timely response to all calls for service.

Pain Management:

While Charlie’s ambulance service would carry narcotics to manage pain, it would be highly unlikely that any of them would ever reach the patient. This would force him to rely on other methods, like a placebo to manage his patient’s pain.

Conclusion:

While it may be scandalous, working for Mr. Sheen’s ambulance service (Two and a Half Medics, inc) could be a lot of fun. Short working hours, exceptional pay, and adult movie stars for partners. I really think that Mr. Sheen will have his work cut out for him once he leaves the big screen.

Have an idea for next week’s “Celebrity Medic”? E-Mail me at sean@medicmadness.com.



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The EMS Gods

November 18, 2010 By 12 Comments
The EMS Gods are with us from the second we clock in to the second we clock out. Some people see them as a guardian angel, others think they are sent from hell. They are watching our every move and pretty much dictating what we do on a daily basis. They control things like call volume, types of calls and most importantly, going home on time.Now The EMS Gods aren’t gods in a religious sense as we don’t worship them. However they do require our respect. Despite the common belief, they really do exist. Think you got lucky when dispatch sent that call to another unit allowing you to go home on time? Think again. They are in control and there is little we can do to stop them.

While this may sound scary, fear not. The EMS Gods are truly on our side. They are a friendly bunch an will treat you well, so long as you follow these 5 rules:

  1. Thou shall not camp at hospitals:
    Camping at hospitals is defined by spending more than 15 minutes at the facility once your patient has been transferred to their care. This makes The EMS Gods angry as the hospital is the one place that their powers are useless. Think of it like a safe haven. Sure, you could sit inside and remain safe, but just remember that you have to leave sometime. Piss them off and you can be sure to catch that late call at the local convalescent home.
  2. Thou shall not dodge calls:
    Hiding from dispatch or lying about your location will land you in some big trouble. Not to mention the heat you would take from your coworkers and supervisors. Be honest. Take the call and shut up. Dodging will land you an even worse call and will leave you wishing that you would have just took the first one.
  3. Thou shall not use the “Q” word:
    That word I’m talking about is “Quiet”. This is often said to state the obvious during periods of low call volume and enjoyable downtime. We all know that it’s quiet, you don’t have to say it. Using this forbidden word will almost immediately summon the army of 911 callers and EMS Armageddon will begin. It’s that serious. I’m sure that as I’m writing this, some EMS system is suffering as a result of me using the word. The collateral damage is a small price to pay to save thousands of EMS professionals around the world.
  4. Thou shall not mouth off to dispatch:
    While the location of the EMS Gods is officially unknown, it is often hypothesized that they reside in dispatch centers. The EMS Gods are proponents of professional conduct over the radio. They hate bad attitudes and usually respond in full force. It is always wise to keep your cool on the air. No matter how angry you are or how stupid the dispatcher may seem, just shut up and run the call. It’s not worth the trouble that comes when you open your mouth. Hand the mic to your partner and keep everyone happy.
  5. Thou shall not make plans after work:
    This is by far the most important rule to follow. You should never depend on getting off work on time in order to make your plans. This is the party fouls of all party fouls. Trust me because I speak from personal experience. The EMS Gods see this as opportunity to show you who’s in charge. Do yourself a favor and either take the day off or make better plans.

The EMS Gods realize that nobody is perfect and therefore offer forgiveness to those who seek redemption. If you break any of the rules above, there are some steps that you can take to redeem yourself and enjoy a pleasant shift. There is no guarantee that these will work as the EMS Gods take these requests on a case by case basis. It is however, your only chance to avoid punishment.

Here are 5 examples of sacrifices you can make to appease the holy ones:

  1. Jump a less than desired call:
    Normally we are all over the shootings, full arrests, traffic collisions, etc. What we don’t do is voluntarily jump into action when we hear a call at the residence of a frequent flier or a local convalescent home. Think of these as your golden opportunity at a second chance. When you hear these calls being dispatched, jump up and take them. This will please your coworkers and quite possibly make the EMS Gods happy.
  2. Volunteer for a long distance transfer:
    Long distance transfers can be tedious and at times annoying. Some people love them and some people hate them. If you stand on the hate side of the fence, make the sacrifice and take the call. Who knows, you might even dodge the bullet of a high call volume while your gone. The EMS Gods see this as a good gesture will certainly take it into consideration when determining your punishment.
  3. Sacrifice a meal:
    It’s no secret that we transform from EMS professionals into beasts when we miss a meal. Bedside manners, professionalism and patience all drop simultaneously with our blood sugar. If you think you have what it takes, skip that meal and maintain your cool. This will show the EMS Gods that you are worthy of redemption.
  4. Pick up an overtime shift:
    Most of us enjoy our days off and don’t want to be bothered. Instead of turning off your phone and breaking open that much needed beer, try calling your supervisor and offering to pick up a last minute shift that he needs covered. Doing so shows dedication and a strong work ethic. The EMS Gods will be pleased. This of course might not be a good idea if you violated rule #5.
  5. Offer to drive:
    If you are a paramedic working on a single medic rig, try giving your partner a break and allowing him or her to nod off for a while. Not only will you please your partner, but the EMS Gods will see that you are a caring, selfless person. They might just forget about that nasty word you said over the radio and let you slide.

Sacrifices to the EMS Gods are not necessarily something that you do after you have been bad. They can be used even if you are on good terms with the almighty ones. Staying on their good side and building up brownie points never hurt anyone. Do a couple preemptive good deeds and they might even let you slide on a couple screw-ups in the future.


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Disneyland sets the bar high for fire departments

May 21, 2010 By Leave a Comment

After my trip to Disneyland today I came to the realization that our local fire service is inadequate. The services and equipment provided by Disneyland fire far surpasses anything I have seen from our city and county departments. Below are some pictures revealing my findings.

So that does it……

For now on I want our firefighters to drive compact, open top, fuel efficient fire engines while carrying pianos, trombones and saxophones.

Get with the times guys!


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