What kind of paramedics would Beavis and Butthead be?

Shifts

It’s pretty obvious that Beavis and Butthead don’t really commit to anything, so assigning shifts would be pointless. Instead, they would be a better fit in a volunteer / on-call scheduling environment. This way they could respond to calls when they find time between watching music videos, trying to get beer, and going on whatever random journey they can think of.

Response

A traditional radio / quick-call system would prove itself to be ineffective. The noise would probably just annoy them and would most likely lead to destruction of the alerting device with some form of heavy object. Instead, Beavis and Butthead would just do what they normally do and “stumble” into emergencies during their everyday routine.

Radio Reports

When calling in to the receiving hospital,  Beavis and Butthead wouldn’t utilize the traditional format for delivering patient information. Instead, they would key up the microphone and just ramble on random observations about their patient’s condition and appearance, similar to the way they comment on music videos.

Below is an example of a typical radio report from Beavis and Butthead:

Butthead: “Uhhhhhh, hello?”

Hospital: “Go ahead from County Hospital”

Butthead: “Uhhhh, heyyyy baby, we like have this guy who got hit by a car. He’s bleeding and stuff everywhere”

Beavis: “Hehe, yea, it’s pretty awesome”

Butthead: “Shut up dumbass, I’m giving the radio report”

Hospital: “How much blood has he lost?”

Butthead: “Uhhhhh, like, you know, almost all of it”

Beavis: “It’s not that much really”

Butthead: “Dammit Beavis, shut up! I’m trying to score with this chick on the radio.”

Protocols

Treatment in the field would depend on the person providing the care. When Butthead is attending, his care could range from actually attempting to address the patient’s complaint, to sitting there and just making derogatory comments about the patient. Beavis takes a much simpler approach to pre-hospital emergency care. He would simply provide “TP for their bungholes”.

Continuing Education

Being that Beavis and Butthead are lacking in the education department, reading material would be virtually useless. Instead, visual study aids would be utilized for them to retain information that is presented. Protocol updates would be delivered in the form of music videos and lectures from attractive women who offer points towards “scoring” for passing protocol tests.

Conclusion

While Beavis and Butthead might not be the best paramedics in the world – actually they would be more like the worst – things seem to always work in their favor. They may be lazy and absent minded, but when actually put what little bit of brains they have towards accomplishing something, they typically stick with it until they get their desired results. Not much would affect them, which would be beneficial during periods of high stress. If they actually did save someones life, it would most likely be on accident. But hey, a save’s a save, right?

Ever have someone tell you that their taxes pay your wages?

You know the difference between god and a paramedic? God doesn’t think he’s a paramedic.

I learned that if you put a paramedic in a room with nothing but 2 bowling balls, an hour later 1 will be broken and the other missing.

So without further delay, lets ask ourselves the big question of the week:

What kind of paramedic would Tim Tebow be?

Shifts

Rather than utilize the traditional long-hour EMS shift schedule, Mr. Tebow would only be required to work 16 days out of the year. A maximum of 3 over-time shifts would also be offered to employees with exceptional performance. The shifts would only be 1 hour in duration, but being that he would only be able to clock in during calls, they would most likely drag out to be 3-4 hours long.

Response

Tim Tebow would have the option of either responding by air or by ground. However, given his record, a ground response would most likely be in the patient’s best interest as he would have a 50/50 chance of missing the landing zones on scene calls. His response area would be rather small, only consisting of a 100-yard radius.

Training

Being that Tim’s work schedule only consists of a small fraction of the days that a standard EMS schedule has, he would be required to attend training camps to refresh on his skills before returning to work. He would also be required to attend 3-4 FTO shifts prior to be released on his own to run calls.

Protocols

The protocols at Tim Tebow’s ambulance service wouldn’t be written in the standard format with sections and a table of contents. Instead, it would be in novel format separated by chapters and verses.

Treatment

Field medicine for Mr. Tebow’s service would be very similar to that of a standard EMS system with only a few differences. Instead of pre-loaded saline flushes, his service would stock 10cc syringes filled with holy water. Also, a post-termination of resuscitation protocol would be added consisting of prayer sessions and on-site memorial services.

Hand-Offs

Radio reports for Mr. Tebow’s service would be brief. These would be performed by placing the mic several feet in front of him and yelling code-words that only the hospital staff would understand. Bedside reports would be given by gathering the nurses and doctors for a “huddle” next to the patient’s bed.

Conclusion

Tim Tebow’s youth, excellent health, dedication to his work, and love of life  all make him a perfect candidate for a career in EMS.

Like this post? Greg Friese has another “Celebrity Medic” write-up featuring Tim Tebow. Be sure to stop by Everyday EMS Tips to check it out!

I guess I’m not the only one that lives on hospital sandwiches…..

Ever feel like you transport the same people over and over?

OK, so I couldn’t just sit around and read all these hilarious meme comics without getting a piece of the action. I have a bunch of these things written, and I’ll post them often. I hope you enjoy!

P.S. Captions are always welcome

It’s that time of year again when 364 days of being nice is supposed to pay off. Santa Claus and his team of elite elves spend every year preparing for this one night where they get to travel the world and bring joy to all of the families.

While this may seem like a nice job, it can get old after a while. Santa has been doing the same old routine since before any of us can remember. While I’m sure he enjoys his line of work, I think a time is going to come when he will want to finally hang up his hat and enjoy Christmas with his own family.

You know what I’m talking about. Retirement. This would of course open the door to the possibility of starting a new job to subsidize his pension. And I think we all now that a new career in EMS would be right up his alley.

So without further delay, we must ask ourselves the question of this wonderful holiday season. What kind of paramedic would Santa Claus be?

Shifts

I’m sure that Mr. Claus would be happy to work any day except Christmas. This of course could be our golden opportunity as EMS providers to finally take every other holiday off. With his ability to travel the entire world in one night, he would certainly be able to handle all the 911 calls while we spend time with our families.

Response

Santa Claus is still old school, so I’m sure that he would utilize the traditional quick call and paging systems. The only difference is, he would wait until you are sleeping at night to respond.

Vehicle

Santa’s magic sleigh would be perfect for responding to emergency calls and would require no modification at all. The ability to fly would eliminate problems caused when motorists fail to yield. He also wouldn’t need to install any code-3 equipment as the “jingling bells” would be loud enough to replace a siren and Rudolph’s nose would satisfy the requirement of a “steady burning read lamp” that’s needed to legally drive code-3. If he can fit presents for every kid in the world, imagine how many patients he could carry?

Triage

While the “START” triage system certainly has it’s place, it’s just a little too main-stream for Santa. Instead, he would tag each patient as either “naughty” or “nice”, of course treating and transporting the nice patients first.

Uniforms

Santa’s uniform would be similar in appearance but would require some modifications to the colors. The red on his suite would be replaced with navy-blue and the white cotton would be replaced with reflective tape to ensure visibility at night. He would also require an identifying patch on his back labeled “NPEMS”, which is short for “North Pole Emergency Medical Services”.

Response Area

Santa’s main quarters would be located at his orginal residence at the north pole. However, his response area would encompass the entire world. His ability to travel at high speeds and visit every house in one night would ensure that he met all of his response-time requirements.

Conclusion

The ability to travel at high speeds, his good customer service record, and his habbit of eating unhealthy snacks on the job all make Santa a perfect fit for a job in EMS.

Merry Christmas to all of you out there. With any luck, you are reading this at home and spending time with your family. If you are working this holiday, then I thank you. Stay safe out there and enjoy the holiday season.