May 24, 2013

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If Motorcop Was A Paramedic

May 3, 2013 by 2 Comments

mcMost of the readers of this blog are probably familiar with this weeks “Celebrity Medic”. If you’re not, go check him out of Facebook and read his blog. When he isn’t busy crushing the souls of the sinners of the highway, you might be able to find him chatting it up on the Crossover Show, or bragging about making people cry on Facebook. Although being a motorcycle cop sounds pretty freaking cool, I can’t help but wonder if one day MC will hang up his helmet and boots. What if he decided to leave the Dark Side and take up a career in pre-hospital emergency medicine? That would leave us no other choice but to ask ourselves the big question of the week:

What kind of Paramedic would Motorcop be?

First and foremost, guys like MC need a saying or a slogan. “Soul Crusher” just doesn’t seem fitting for a paramedic…..”Disease Crusher” however, does. Perhaps a patch featuring a picture of him stomping out disease and punching bacteria in the face would be appropriate.

I couldn’t imagine that MC would be happy working on an ambulance as it’s too big and too slow. I could see him working in a first-responder vehicle or perhaps even one of the lucky few that get to work EMS on a motorcycle. I couldn’t see him working 24 hour shifts, instead he would probably seek the traditional law enforcement schedule of 8-10 hours.

Instead of following a set of protocols, MC would set rules or guidelines for the body systems of patients to operate under. Any deviation from the rules would result in citations or fines. He would most likely specialize in motor vehicle collisions and his trauma care would mostly consist of investigating the mechanism of injury. Patients receiving transcutaneous pacing or electrical cardioversion would not receive sedation. Instead, they would be told “If you got shocked, you deserved it”.

Transitioning from a law enforcement job to EMS would require some specialized equipment. Here is a list of essential equipment for MC’s medic bike:

  • Baton: Used a long-bone splint.
  • Bullet Proof Vest: Used as a make-shift KED.
  • Taser: Used as an Automatic External Defibrillator.
  • Breathalyzer: Modified to detect CO2 for use in confirming ET tube placement.
  • Handcuffs: Made larger for use as a tourniquet.
  • Radar Gun: Used as a portable x-ray device.
  • Gun: Still used to shoot bad guys…….

Overall, I think MC would be a perfect candidate for a job in EMS. Response times wouldn’t be an issue and scene safety would be assumed. While obtaining blood samples would require a search warrant, pt’s would otherwise not have the ability to refuse treatment. Patient rights would be replaced with Miranda Rights, and patient care reports would be replaced by citations. While the transition would be tough, I think he would fit right in with the rest of us gurney-pushers.

Have an idea for next week’s “Celebrity Medic”? Send me an e-mail at sean@medicmadness.com 

Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Featured, Humor Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

While We’re On The Topic of Baseball

May 2, 2013 by Leave a Comment

ballparkA fellow nurse blogger and I were sitting together watching baseball at our local family watering hole (Go Rangers) a couple nights ago when she got the idea to write an article comparing the game of Baseball to the day-to-day operations in the Emergency Department. Once the ideas started rolling in, we pulled out the laptops (yes, we are THOSE bloggers) and signaled our bartender to keep the brews coming. And when I say brews, I mean brews. None of that light crap. If I can see through the glass, it aint’ dark enough…..

Moving along……

As I am attempting to unwind from the day by having a beer and watching the Texas Rangers kick some Chicago White Sox ass, it occurred to me that ED is much like baseball…..Please, allow me to elaborate……

Emergency Medicine: Lets Play Ball!!!! (A Comparison of the ED and America’s Favorite Pastime) - thekristening.com

If you haven’t read the article, go check it out and come on back when you’re done.

Seeing how well her article played out, I decided to shamelessly steal  expand on the idea and write a comparison of EMS and the game of Baseball.

Batter: (Paramedic) Whether on a street corner or housed in a station, this is the guy that sits in a rotation just waiting for his turn at the plate. The better he and his teammates are, the more times he goes up to bat. The paramedic may enjoy his share of the action, but ultimately just wants to head straight for home.

Pitcher: (Dispatch) The Clash of Titans often occurs between a paramedic crew and a dispatcher. When the dispatcher throws junk calls their way, they try their best to stand back and avoid them, keeping themselves available for the next pitch. That is until that crazy trauma call gets thrown right in the wheelhouse for them to take a swing to get a nice big piece of the ball and send them home with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

Catcher: (Lead Dispatcher) While the dispatcher and medic crew are typically in the center of the spotlight, the lead dispatcher is sitting behind everyone, calling the pitches and directing all the players on the field.

1st, 2nd and 3rd Basemen: (Patients) The patients are always there, waiting, eager to tag you at the most inopportune time. A good and fast paramedic will run right through them all on his way home.

Shortstop: (Frequent Flyer) This person isn’t your average patient. They play the game and they play it well. They are the ones that will jump up out of nowhere and jack your world up before you even knew what hit you. They are known for jumping in the middle of the game at the worst time and stopping you in your tracks on your way to a good run. This person is the vacuum of the field, nothing gets by them and they will suck you dry.

Outfielder: (Firefighters) These are the guys that are usually standing around at a distance unless the paramedic is working. Just when you think you have hit a home run, they are there to jump up and steal the glory.

Manager: (Field Supervisor) This supervisor is the one watching over everything. They get to decide who to put in the game and who to take out. A good team can make the games and their career successful, while a poor team can make for some miserable work days. A good manager will stand back and watch while his team plays the game, making minimal changes when necessary.

Bat Boy: (Supply Tech) This is the guy that the players tend to dump on and is often unappreciated. A good supply tech works fast to clear out equipment and re-supply the team. They often go unnoticed until the one time they slip up and a used ball gets left on the field.

Base Coach: (Base Physician) When the Medics are rounding the bases, this is the person they look to for the go-ahead when they want to run the extra mile.

Umpire: (Law Enforcement) Nuff said.

Fans: (Bystanders) These are the friends, family members, and Monday morning quarter backs that stand around and watch you work. They all believe that they know your job better than you do and are the first to complain when things don’t go their way.

Go Rangers!

Now we just need someone to do write up on the fire service and police department. I’m looking right at you Happy Medic and Motorcop!

Filed Under: Featured, Humor Tagged With: , , , ,

The Fishiest Call I Ever Ran

May 1, 2013 by 2 Comments

fish pondSo there I was, minding my own damn business, when the tones go off over the radio. My partner and I hop in the ambulance and immediately crank up the heater as the outside temperature was 28 degrees (Fahrenheit, for all your blokes across the pond). We arrived at the residence of an elderly male that had a complaint of abdominal pain and requested to be transported to a hospital about 40 minutes away from his house (St. Furthest as The Happy Medic would describe it).

Getting to this patient wasn’t easy, as the hallway and living room made maneuvering a gurney very difficult. With me being the lazy bastard creative gurney navigator that I am, I found a route through the back door that seemed much easier than attempting to bring the patient back through the front of the house.

After loading the patient on the gurney, we started through the back door and found that there was no lighting whatsoever in the back yard.

No big deal, I got this.

I instruct my partner to continue forward as I reach for my flashlight. About the time I heard him say “Woah!”, I felt my left foot slipping into what initially felt like a puddle of water……only my foot kept slipping until I was up passed my waist in water. I somehow managed to push the gurney away from me to avoid it falling in on top of me. The next thing I knew, the chief of the volunteer fire department that responded with us was on his stomach trying to grab me, and my partner was pulling the gurney away and asking if I was OK. I quickly jumped out of the freezing water and continued about what I was doing like nothing happened. I turned to my partner and said. “I’m fine, just needed to go for a quick dip to cool off”. I figured I might as well own it with pride.

I had fallen into a fish pond in the patient’s back yard that I obviously was unable to see. I was covered in water, and miserable. My partner suggested that I call the on-duty supervisor and have another ambulance responded so that I could go back to the station to dry off. I respectfully declined and insisted that we continue to St. Furthest.

After 40 minutes of misery, we arrived at the hospital and offloaded our patient. Still soaked in fish-pond water, I stood next to the receiving nurse – completely oblivious to my condition – and gave a bedside report. The conversation went something like this:

After finishing my verbal report…..

Nurse: “Do you have a medication list”

I reach in my pocket and pull out a soaked medication list and slap it on the counter….water and all. 

Nurse: “What the hell happened to to this?”

Sean: “It fell in the fish pond.”

Nurse: (looking at me for the first time) “Whaaa……what the HELL happened to you?”

Sean: “I went in after it.”

Nurse: “Are you kidding me? Why would you do that?”

Sean: “I know how you nurses get when we don’t bring in a med list. It’s called dedication. Have a good night.” (utilizing the biggest shit-eating grin I could come up with).

Not another word was spoken to me from anyone in that ER. I walked out of there like a boss, grabbed a towel on the way out, threw it on the front seat of the ambulance, and looked right at my partner who was still looking at me with disbelief.

Sean: “Drive it like you fucking stole it, I’m freezing”.

Partner: “You know….the only thing that could have made that better, was if you had come out of the water with a fish in your mouth”.

Sean: “Fuck you”

Filed Under: Featured, Humor, Stories Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

If Napoleon Dynamite Was A Paramedic

April 29, 2013 by 2 Comments

napoleon-dynamiteAfter his success on the big screen and short-lived time on cable television, this week’s “Celebrity Medic” has been rather silent. Perhaps he’s sitting back relaxing with a tube of chap stick and pocket full of tater tots, or maybe he’s looking for another line of work. Either way, what better time than now to explore a new career in the field of pre-hospital emergency medicine? This leaves us to ask ourselves the big question:

What kind of paramedic would Napoleon Dynamite be?

Napoleon would most likely work for a small, rural EMS service in his home town of Preston, Idaho. He would have most likely been inspired to take up work in EMS after his grandmother’s quad accident that left her with a broken coccyx. Chances are, he would still be living at home, which would work to his benefit being that the ambulance service he works for only pays a dollar an hour.

He would most likely be paired up with his best-friend Pedro, who would be rather quiet but would do most of the driving. They would most likely respond on Pedro’s bike, taking it off plenty of sweet jumps on the way to calls. This, of course, means that Napoleon’s crew would be limited to first-responder duties. Patient transport would be completed by Uncle Rico and Kip, using Uncle Rico’s van.

Rex Kwan DoScene safety would be handled by Rex, from “Rex Kwon Do”, and his wife Starla. They would be dispatched to all of Napoleon’s calls to ensure that the scene was clear.  Rex would provide these services at a cost of $300 every 8 weeks. For an additional fee and a promised vote for Pedro, you could also receive on-the-spot personalized protection by Pedro’s cousins.

Protocols for Napoleon’s ambulance service would mostly consist of “doing whatever I feel like doing…..gosh!“. More specifically, hypoglycemia would treated by administering tater tots that Napoleon stores in his pocket. Trauma care would be provided in the form of prevention, using Uncle Rico’s time machine to travel back before the incident and stop the traumatic event before it happens. Instead of outlining interventions that Napoleon could perform, there would just be a list of “skills”.

Instead of doing a traditional bedside report at the receiving hospital, Napoleon and Pedro would hand off patient information in the form of a skit or current event presentation.

Documentation wouldn’t be completed in the form of a traditional or electronic PCR. Instead, Napoleon would draw animated pictures of the patients that he transported in a scene that describes their condition and what they looked like on arrival.

Uniforms would include black snow boots, white shirts with “big sleeves“, and round buttons featuring “Glamour Shots By Deb” for identification.

In conclusion, I feel that flexible protocols, a tiered response system, time travel capabilities, and a massive set of “skills” would all contribute to a efficient and effective delivery of pre-hospital medicine.

Have an idea for the next “Celebrity Medic”? Send me an e-mail at sean@medicmadness.com. 

Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Featured, Humor Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

I Got 99 Problems

April 25, 2013 by Leave a Comment

99-airway

 

We all know this guy that carries a laryngoscope in his back pocket and measures his success by the amount of “tubes” he got this rotation.

Filed Under: Humor, Meme Comics Tagged With: , , , , ,

The B Shift Band

March 12, 2013 by Leave a Comment

image

Playing all of your favorite hits like “She’s a Trauma Queen”, “Nursing Home Blues”, and “The Family Joules”. We’ll be taking requests all night.

Insert your favorite EMS song titles below……

Filed Under: Random Stuff Tagged With: , , , , , ,

The Crossover Show Episode 22

March 2, 2013 by Leave a Comment

crossoverlogo300

Last night (02-28-13) I had the chance to participate in the Crossover show with Justin Schorr from Happymedic.com and Motorcop of motorcopblog.com. The show was recorded live using “Hangouts” on Google+. I had a blast and I think the G+ platform is an excellent tool for podcasting. If you’re interested in seeing how the show went, feel free to watch the video below.

The video cannot be shown at the moment. Please try again later.

 

Filed Under: Featured, Misc Tagged With: , , , ,

If Mitt Romney Was A Paramedic

September 28, 2012 by 6 Comments

With election season around the corner, 2 people are going to be faced with some major career changes. One of them is going to lead this country, and the other is going to become unemployed. With Mitt Romney’s poll numbers starting to slide, it’s uncertain if he’s going to have a job come November. Sure, he could probably stand to not work for the rest of his life, but at the risk of becoming one of the 47%, I would imagine that he would immediately start to look for some form of employment. This would be a huge opportunity for him to make a difference in healthcare by taking up a job in the pre-hospital setting.

So without further delay, we must ask ourselves the big question of the week:

What kind of paramedic would Mitt Romney be?

Mr. Romney’s job would start sometime around January and wouldn’t be secure forever. He would have to re-apply and go through the employment screening and hiring process every 4 years.

Once employed, Mitt’s first item on his agenda would be to immediately work towards repealing whatever set of protocols are in place. These would most likely be replaced by new guidelines that many would argue withhold or limit care for women and retired seniors. Others might argue that the new protocols would save the service money by limiting supplies and care to only those that pay their bills.

Funding for Mr. Romney’s ambulance service would be obtained similar to that of a campaign contribution. These donations would primarily be made by large drug companies. While this method would be effective in maintaining more than adequate funds, it would require protocols to be written that regularly include the use of said drug company’s products.

Staffing for Mitt’s ambulance service could be kept to a minimum as 47% of the population in his response area would never use his services. Instead, those residents would utilize a government-run EMS service that is funded by 100% tax dollars.

Performance for Mr. Romney’s service would not be evaluated based on response times. Instead, agencies would be hired to conduct scientific polls in his response area to determine the approval rating. This method would also be used heavily during contract bids.

Documentation would not require the use of paper or electronic patient care reports. Instead, all interventions during his call would be recorded secretly using cell phone cameras or tape recorders. He would only be require to maintain these medical records for 2 years.

Mitt’s radio reports would be unique as the information provided would be different than that of a traditional report. He wouldn’t provide the basic information about the chief complaint, vitals, or response to treatment. Instead, he would explain how the last paramedic to run the patient didn’t do a good enough job and how they will be better off not repeating their last pre-hospital experience.

In the end, his care would differ very little from the last few paramedics to hold his job. Treatment would continue to consist mostly of promises to start feeling better and blaming of previous forms of treatment. Most patients would complain that the service is inadequate, however they would continue to utilize and support it.

Have a suggestion for the next “Celebrity Medic”? Send me an e-mail at sean@medicmadness.com. 

 

Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Featured, Humor Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Sit Wait And Talk

February 11, 2012 by 4 Comments

I have always joked that SWAT stood for “sit wait and talk”, mostly because that’s what we typically do when assigned to SWAT standbys. I have probably been assigned to more of these than I can count and have never actually had to provide any kind of medical-aid. Well, I did have a bystander walk up and request to go to the hospital for abdominal pain once, but I don’t really think that counts.

When working in busy systems, I usually see the downtime as a chance to get caught up on paperwork. Sometimes these standbys can go on for several hours, and on one occasion, it lasted my entire shift. We logged on, immediately got assigned the standby, and had to be relieved at the end of our shift. I accomplished 2 of my “EMS Bucket List” items that night, one of which should have gotten me fired.

So here’s the story:

There I was, minding my own business, logging on for the night shift. This was my first job in EMS, but I had been working at the small service just long enough to get over the nervous feeling that you have when you first start in the field, but not quite long enough to get passed the stupidity.

We were assigned a standby at a nearby “SWAT” standoff and were told that we couldn’t use any radio communication. That worked out well for us, being that we inherited the long-standing dislike for EMS dispatchers that had been handed down over several generations. We arrived at our scene and were directed towards a staging area that was supposed to be a safe distance from the “action”. Just as we put the vehicle in park, I got to thinking about how I should have brought my lunch. I figured it was no big deal as this thing would be over with in a hour or so and we could grab a bite on our way to post.

Fast forward about 4 hours and you would find us sitting in silence staring awkwardly at the fire-engine crew that parked facing us. They were doing the same. We were hesitant to go talk with them because we didn’t know this particular crew at all, plus they didn’t seem very social.

Partner: “Let’s go talk to those guys, I’m bored out of my mind”

Sean: “I don’t know, man. They are just sitting there doing nothing. They don’t look very sociable. Seems kinda weird and awkward to me.”

Partner: “We’re doing the same thing, dude.”

We finally got out and walked over to the engine. The crew hopped out and exchanged a few words with us, but not without a few awkward moments of silence. I looked around and it seemed like nobody was doing anything. I started to wonder if this thing was ever going to end.

Fast forward 2 more hours and you would find us and the fire crew laughing hysterically over some “war-stories”. You would also see us scheming up a plan to get some food. Nothing was within walking distance, so we starting calling people that we knew to see if they could make a food run for everyone. No such luck at 10:30pm. This is when I decided to check off an item on that bucket-list I mentioned earlier.

I had made it my goal that one day, I would order a pizza to the scene of a call. Don’t ask me how I came up with that goal, I just did. This was the perfect moment to execute the plan. What better scene than a SWAT standby? Unfortunately, most pizza places were closed. After about 30 minutes of calling around I finally got a hold of one that was open for another hour. Only, convincing them to deliver to the scene of the SWAT standby was going to be a bit more difficult than I had thought. Here’s what you might have heard had you been watching me order the pizza:

“Yea, I would like to order a pizza……um, well, I don’t really have an address, you see I’m working on an ambulance at a SWAT standby….no this isn’t a joke sir, we have been here for hours and we would like to order a pizza……it’s at the corner of 10th and Henderson, but I would probably come in from the east to avoid getting near the scene…..oh yeah, it’s totally safe, we are blocks away from the incident. I don’t even think bullets travel that far…..”

And it just continued on from there.

Our pizza finally did arrive, and we pulled out the gurney to setup our buffet line. We had pizzas, sodas, bread sticks, and hot wings, all lined up on the gurney. Of course, no good plan like this would be complete without my supervisor pulling up. After being at this standby for nearly 7 hours, he decided to come check on us. He walked up, looked at the gurney with all the food, looked at me, then back at the gurney, then back at me to deliver a silent stare for about a good 20 seconds. Without saying a word, he grabbed 2 pieces of pizza and a coke, got back in his vehicle, and took off without saying a word.

We stood around awkwardly as my partner and I didn’t quite know what to make of it. We finally came to the conclusion that he probably wouldn’t have taken any food if he planned on getting us in trouble, so we continued about our business of swapping stories and killing time.

Shortly after our supervisor’s visit, one of SWAT officers walked up. He looked big and mean enough to turn us into another topping on the pizza. Unfortunately, like previously mentioned, I had yet to graduate from the “being stupid” phase of my EMS career. My partner inquired about the incident and we were informed that a man had barricaded himself inside a travel trailer in his driveway. The officer then informed us that our pizza looked tempting.

This is where the stupid part comes in. 

I must have felt invincible after getting a pass from my supervisor, because I told the officer: “Come on, man. We took up a collection earlier, you should have pitched in. By the way, if that guy is locked inside a trailer, why not just hook it up to a truck and tow his ass to jail?” He moved in just close enough to invade my comfort zone and said: “How about this, Kid? How about I throw your dumb-ass in the trailer with him? Got any more advice for me?”

His booming voice shut us all up instantly. After a moment of awkward silence, I quietly replied: “Would you like pepperoni or combination, sir?”

He turned towards the pizza, grabbed a couple slices, smiled and walked back to the incident.

The Bucket List

The 2 items I checked off that night were ordering a pizza and going an entire shift without transporting anyone. The 2nd one was bound to happen eventually, and has happened several times since. As far as the pizza incident goes, I got lucky. It was stupid, unprofessional, and I should have been fired. That would have been a foolish way to lose my job, especially with how hard it was at the time to find ambulance services that were hiring.

The upside to the story? I got 2 items checked off my list :)

Filed Under: Featured, Humor, Stories Tagged With: , , , , ,

If Beavis and Butthead Were Paramedics

January 20, 2012 by 1 Comment

The recent return of – in my opinion – the greatest TV show MTV ever produced definitely calls for some celebration. And what better way to do it than to feature the dynamic duo as the latest “celebrity medic”? They have certainly had their share of adventures, have always adapted well to their surroundings and no matter what situation they find themselves in, they always remain calm and never lose their cool. These are all traits that we look for in a good paramedic. Besides, having worked their dead-end job at Burger-World for years, I’m sure they would be ready for a new line of work. So let’s celebrate their triumphant return to late-night television by asking ourselves the big question:

What kind of paramedics would Beavis and Butthead be?

Shifts

It’s pretty obvious that Beavis and Butthead don’t really commit to anything, so assigning shifts would be pointless. Instead, they would be a better fit in a volunteer / on-call scheduling environment. This way they could respond to calls when they find time between watching music videos, trying to get beer, and going on whatever random journey they can think of.

Response

A traditional radio / quick-call system would prove itself to be ineffective. The noise would probably just annoy them and would most likely lead to destruction of the alerting device with some form of heavy object. Instead, Beavis and Butthead would just do what they normally do and “stumble” into emergencies during their everyday routine.

Radio Reports

When calling in to the receiving hospital,  Beavis and Butthead wouldn’t utilize the traditional format for delivering patient information. Instead, they would key up the microphone and just ramble on random observations about their patient’s condition and appearance, similar to the way they comment on music videos.

Below is an example of a typical radio report from Beavis and Butthead:

Butthead: “Uhhhhhh, hello?”

Hospital: “Go ahead from County Hospital”

Butthead: “Uhhhh, heyyyy baby, we like have this guy who got hit by a car. He’s bleeding and stuff everywhere”

Beavis: “Hehe, yea, it’s pretty awesome”

Butthead: “Shut up dumbass, I’m giving the radio report”

Hospital: “How much blood has he lost?”

Butthead: “Uhhhhh, like, you know, almost all of it”

Beavis: “It’s not that much really”

Butthead: “Dammit Beavis, shut up! I’m trying to score with this chick on the radio.”

Protocols

Treatment in the field would depend on the person providing the care. When Butthead is attending, his care could range from actually attempting to address the patient’s complaint, to sitting there and just making derogatory comments about the patient. Beavis takes a much simpler approach to pre-hospital emergency care. He would simply provide “TP for their bungholes”.

Continuing Education

Being that Beavis and Butthead are lacking in the education department, reading material would be virtually useless. Instead, visual study aids would be utilized for them to retain information that is presented. Protocol updates would be delivered in the form of music videos and lectures from attractive women who offer points towards “scoring” for passing protocol tests.

Conclusion

While Beavis and Butthead might not be the best paramedics in the world – actually they would be more like the worst – things seem to always work in their favor. They may be lazy and absent minded, but when actually put what little bit of brains they have towards accomplishing something, they typically stick with it until they get their desired results. Not much would affect them, which would be beneficial during periods of high stress. If they actually did save someones life, it would most likely be on accident. But hey, a save’s a save, right?

Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Featured, Humor Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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