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If Mel Gibson was a Paramedic

October 15, 2010 By 2 Comments

We all know him from hit movies such as “The Patriot”, “Lethal Weapon” and “Braveheart”. I don’t believe that there is a doubt in anyone’s mind that he is an exceptional actor. However, bad press in the recent years has left many people wondering if the end of his acting career is near. What would he do if he left the big screen for good? This would be the perfect opportunity for Mel to seek a career in pre-hospital care.

So the question is, what kind of paramedic would Mel Gibson be?

Shifts

A 2pm to 10pm shift would probably benefit Mel. This would allow him plenty of time to partake in late night outings and give him plenty of time to recover in the morning before reporting to work.

Response Vehicle

Many things came to mind when determining the vehicle that Mel would respond in. I think the best choice would be Danny Glover’s station wagon from the early Lethal Weapon movies. The vehicle is already equipped with emergency lights and sirens and it could easily be retrofitted for use as a transport vehicle.

Partner

I think it’s obvious that Danny Glover would make the ideal partner for Mel. In addition to using his car, Danny could be utilized to drive for Mr. Gibson. This would be necessary as his recent traffic violations involving alcohol would most likely prohibit him from operating an emergency vehicle.

Protocols

You could write protocols for Mel’s ambulance service but we all know he wouldn’t follow them. He will just have to use Danny as his voice of reason.

Radio Reports

Rather than utilize the traditional form of radio communication, Mel would hand off patient information in the form of conspicuous voice mail messages. He would utilize heavy breathing patterns to mimic the patient’s respiratory status and give the ER staff a clear picture of how the patient is breathing.

Uniform

I would personally like to see him adopt the outfit from “The Patriot”. Especially the hat. The only addition required would be a patch labeled “TP-EMS”, an acronym for “The Passion of EMS”.

Scene Safety

Pretty much every movie Mel has starred in has showed us that he isn’t afraid of danger. I would imagine that a staging policy would not be necessary. Besides, if all else fails, he can send Danny out in his underwear as a distraction while he treats the patient.

Conclusion

Mel’s good working relationship with his partner, ability to kick some ass, means to quickly respond and ability to defend himself in high-risk areas make him the perfect candidate for a job in EMS. You can assured that he wouldn’t take any crap from patients, bystanders, triage nurses, supervisors and doctors. All exceptional qualities in a paramedic.

Have a suggestion for next weeks “Celebrity Medic”? Comment below or e-mail me at sean@medicmadness.com.


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Exercise your rights! Vote for your Celebrity Medic

August 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

As you all know I periodically publish new articles in my “Celebrity Medic” series. Each time I feature a celebrity or fictional character and tell a story about what kind of paramedic they would be. There is no doubt that all of the celebrities featured the series make outstanding paramedics. What I want to know is what celebrity medic would you want as your partner?

I have opened up a poll on Facebook for everyone to exercise their rights and vote for their favorite celebrity medic. The polls close on September 1st so cast your ballet now before it’s too late!

You find the poll on the Medic Madness Facebook Page or directly here.


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If Bill and Ted were Paramedics

August 20, 2010 By 2 Comments

The last “celebrity medic” featured a popular scientist that had the ability to travel through time. Well this week I want to step it up a notch and feature 2 totally awesome time traveling dudes that I feel would be a perfect fit for a job in EMS. Whether they are running excellent adventures to calls for critical trauma, or bogus journeys to the local nursing homes, Bill and Ted would most definitely lead the EMS industry.

So as always, we must ask the ever important question. What kind of paramedics would Bill and Ted be?

Shifts

As mentioned before, time travel makes shifts a thing of the past.

Vehicle

I’m going to have to stick with the original time-traveling phone booth. This is for the simple reason that it is just to awesome to modify. Multiple patients can be transported in this vehicle, however they would be have to be placed in a standing position.

Scene Safety

Being cleared to scenes would not be necessary for Bill and Ted’s ambulance service. Their safety would be ensured by bringing along “Billy the Kid” and “Genghis Khan”. I can assure you that the team would be left unharmed.

Supervision

Bill and Ted may make good medics, but would require some oversight. And what better person to fill the roll of “Totally Excellent Paramedic Supervisor” than the one and only Rufus? He’s smart, experienced and comes complete with his own phone booth.

Medical Direction

Finding a medical director would not be a problem for team. Dr. Sigmund Freud may be old-school, but he would be a great fit. The “Freud Dude” could also be utilized for critical incident stress debriefing.

Fitness Programs

As we all know, physical health is something that is commonly overlooked in EMS. Bill and Ted would have the benefit of utilizing “Joan of Arch” to start their first aerobics class.

Service Name

Wild Stallions Ambulance Service dude!

Equipment

What would Bill and Ted’s ambulance service be without some totally awesome equipment? Below is a list of some essential tools:

  • Fender American Stratocaster / traction splint.
  • Guitar Tuner – Could double as an Sp02 monitor.
  • Marshall 150watt guitar amp with external port for attaching defibrillator paddles.
  • Hollowed out drum – To be used as a c-collar.
  • Yamaha Keyboard – Can be used to make siren noises or as a backboard.
  • Guitar Cables – Can be used as restraints.

As always, I welcome any comments or suggestions. I hope you all have a great week!


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If Doc Brown was a Paramedic

July 16, 2010 By Leave a Comment

This weeks “Celebrity Medic” features someone who used science to develop a time machine and then spent 3 “Back to the Future” movies trying to undo damage to the space-time-continuum that was caused by time travel. While he may have created a monster, he showed the world that he was a true genius. But now that the damage has been repaired, what is this scientist supposed to do? Such a master mind could be put to good use in the science of pre-hospital medicine.

So as usual, we must ask the big question. What kind of Paramedic would Doc Brown be?

Shifts

Being that Dr. Brown has the ability to travel through time, shift work be a thing of the past (time travel joke).

Response

Doc Brown wouldn’t respond to calls in the present time. Instead, he would find sick people and travel back in time before they became ill and warn them to either take care of themselves or seek treatment to prevent whatever caused their health issues. He certainly wouldn’t have any issues finding patients and he would have the luxury of taking all the time he needs.

Vehicle

The Delorean wouldn’t exactly be good for transporting patients, but perhaps it wouldn’t matter if he’s confronting them before they become sick…..

Uniform

I think it’s obvious that he would continue to wear his white hazmat jumpsuit. The only difference would be a star of life instead of the radiation symbol on the back. Also included would be a patch that read “GSEMS” which stands for “Great Scotts Emergency Medical Services”.

Protocols

Protocols? Where he’s going they don’t need protocols……

Radio Reports

Doc Brown wouldn’t need to give radio reports as he could travel forward in time to give the ER staff a decent heads-up that he’s bringing in a patient before returning back in time to the scene of incident.

Partner

This one is no-brainer. The only people qualified to work for Dr. Brown’s time-travel GCEMS service would be 2 individuals that are already experienced in the field. Bill and Ted! (More on that to come)

Equipment

Doc Brown is no stranger to handy gadgets. This is one of the many reasons that I feel he would be a perfect fit for the pre-hospital emergency medical field.

  • Delorean – Modified for use as time machine / first-responder vehicle.
  • Heart Monitor / Defibrillator – Powered by used soda cans and other household trash.
  • Plutonium powered Pulse Oximeter – What else would he power it with?
  • Brain Wave Monitor – Could be used to detect strokes and bleeds.

As always, I welcome any comments or suggestions. Have a great week!


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If Al Gore was a Paramedic

July 10, 2010 By 2 Comments

As science continues to work against the theory of global warming and allegations of inappropriate behavior plague the former Vice President, the possibility of Al Gore seeking alternative employment has never been closer to reality. While adjusting to an EMS salary will prove itself to be difficult, I couldn’t think of a better person for the job.

So now we ask ourselves the question of the week. What kind of paramedic would Al Gore be?

Shifts

Recent news has shown us that Mr. Gore prefers to operate at night. I’m guessing that his service would be based out of a hotel room as well.

Response

Al Gore wouldn’t utilize traditional forms of EMS dispatch. He would require extensive scientific studies performed by people not related to the health care industry before responding to calls for service.

Vehicles

EMTs and paramedics working for Al Gore’s ambulance service would be required to drive hybrid or electric powered vehicles. This would require longer response time standards. Also phrases like “the golden hour” would be abolished as such time frames would be unachievable. It should also be noted that members of management would be exempt from using these vehicles and would be issued large SUVs.

Radio Reports

Rather than call into base hospitals via a core radio, Al Gore would hand off patient information in the form of books and public speeches.

Uniforms

Al Gore would most likely adapt the traditional button-up EMS uniform. This includes an “AIAS” patch, an acronym for “An Inconvenient Ambulance Service”.

Critical Incident Stress Management

Al Gore would address the stress that comes with running critical calls by participating in sessions of late night massages at his hotel-based ambulance station. These sessions are private and confidential.

Equipment

There are many essential tools that make running Mr. Gore’s ambulance service possible. Some of which include:

  • Solar powered cardiac monitor / defibrillator - Comes with an optional hand-crank for night time use. This device is capable of delivering up to 13 joules of energy with every5 hour solar charge.
  • Gauze wraps – Made from 100% used bandages. Not very sanitary but extremely environmentally friendly.
  • Reusable IV catheters.
  • Wind powered laryngoscope – The portable wind generator can be stuck out the window of a moving ambulance to illuminate the light while intubating. Unfortunately due to the low speed of the hybrid ambulance, the light isn’t very bright.

As always, I welcome any comments or suggestions. Have a great week!


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If Michael Jackson was a Paramedic

June 26, 2010 By 7 Comments

The anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death left me asking myself a bunch of “what ifs”. What if the king of pop never pursued a music career, but instead took up a job in pre-hospital emergency care? For all we know, he might still be alive today. So of course this left another question roaming around inside my head….

What kind of Paramedic would Michael Jackson be?

Shifts

As we have found out from Michael’s recent tragedy, he really enjoys his sleep. This leads me to believe that he would work day shifts. I’m guessing that he would be well rested for every day he shows up to work.

Response

Michael Jackson wouldn’t necessarily be dispatched to calls. Instead, he would invite his patients to stay with him at Neverland Ranch and care for them there. Besides, we know he has a physician on staff.

Scene Safety

Law Enforcement would not be necessary to ensure Michael Jackson’s safety on scene of a call as he has several defense mechanisms in place. His first line of defense is the ability to change colors and blend in with his surroundings. If that fails, then he would perform dance routines such as the crotch thrust to scare off his attackers. If all else fails, then he could just turn into a panther or moon-walk away.

Pediatrics

If you have worked as a paramedic then you know that running sick kids can be stressful. This is not the case for Michael Jackson as he specializes in pediatrics. Please refer back to “response” on how these patients are cared for.

Equipment

Now what paramedic would be complete without his equipment? Below is a list of the essential tools for Mr. Jackson’s service.

  • White gloves – To be worn on one hand for BSI purposes.
  • Lot’s of heavy sedatives.
  • Fake Nose – Can be removed and used as a handheld blood alcohol detector or a pediatric BVM.
  • Shiny Jacket – Used as a safety feature when working on the highway or to signal helicopters.

As always if you have anything to add, comment below! Have a great week and stay tuned for the next “Celebrity Medic”.


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If Lindsay Lohan was a Paramedic

June 11, 2010 By 1 Comment

This weeks Celebrity Medic features someone who many will think isn’t fit for the job. Some may criticize my writing and say that she’s too irresponsible or flaky to hold down a job in EMS. I say your wrong! With her career circling the drain, she may be forced to find alternative forms of employment, and what better job could she land than being a paramedic? So hang tight and read on to see how I answer the question of the week…..

What kind of paramedic would Lindsay Lohan be?

Shifts

I’m not quite sure what kind of shift that she would prefer to work, I just know that she might have some issues showing up on time. Perhaps making duplicates of her passport would solve this issue.

Protocols

Whatever system Lindsay works in, would have to have loose protocols on controlled substances. I really couldn’t see her being tied down by making base contact to crack open the narc-box.

Vehicle

I would recommend that she drive a Volkswagen Bug(as seen in Herbie), but by the looks of things, I’m thinking that calling a taxi would be more appropriate.

Dispatch

Lindsay wouldn’t carry around the traditional UHF or VHF radio. Instead she prefers to be summoned to calls for service by subpoena’s.

Base Contact

Lindsay wouldn’t utilize the radio or cell phone to make contact. Instead she would hand off patient information in the form of tabloid articles and TMZ commentary. Besides, we know all the nurses would be right on top of that.

Court Appearances

All of us that have been working in EMS have probably been called to appear in court at one time or another. For most people, this can be stressful and sometimes frightening. For Lindsay this would be a walk in the park. Her experience in the legal system far exceeds that of anyone else currently working in the pre-hospital setting.

Equipment

As always, I sit here every week and brainstorm the type of equipment that our Celebrity Medics would carry. You might be surprise at what comes next.

  • A Passport – To make sure she can make her shift on time.
  • Scram Device – This can be rubbed up against other people to detect their blood-alcohol level.
  • Over-sized sunglasses – Used at BSI, and for hiding hangovers.
  • Modified Boots – To fit the scram device.
  • Blackberry – Used to reference medical information and keep in touch with her bail bondsman.

As always, feel free to comment below or e-mail me with suggestions, comments or hate mail.


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If the Ghostbusters where Paramedics

June 5, 2010 By 2 Comments

This weeks “Celebrity Medic” features a group of people that I feel are a perfect fit for a job in EMS. Who could possibly make better paramedics than a bunch of guys that already drive around in an ambulance and work out of an old fire station? From the humorous and sarcastic Dr. Peter Venkman to the intelligent tightwad Dr. Egon Spengler, I feel that the Ghostbusters will be a great addition to our team of Celebrity Medics.

So now for the question of the week. What kind of paramedics would the Ghostbusters be?

Shifts

The Ghostbusters don’t take time off. While they may not be in quarters around the clock, they are on call 24/7 ready to save your life……or capture your ghost.

Vehicle

One of the things that makes the Ghostbusters a perfect group of paramedics, is that they already drive an ambulance. And come on, we all know that you can’t beat a 1959 Miller-meteor combination car. Also known as the “ectomobile” or “Ecto-1″.

Dispatch

The Ghostbusters are dispatched by the traditional page, quick call and radio dispatch system. And who would make this happen better than their long-time dispatcher Janine?

Post Mortem Care

As we all know, not everyone can be saved. For most part, a paramedics job ends with terminating resuscitation efforts. This is not the case for the Ghostbusters. With every dead person comes a ghost. Sometimes the ghost can be friendly like “Slimer”, other times….not so much. Either way, the Ghostbusters are fully equipped to handle any of these situations.

Billing

The traditional method of EMS billing would prove to be inadequate as they also have to bill for their ghost-capturing services. These billing items would include capture, processing and storage. Unfortunately this can get to be really expensive.

Uniforms

The Ghostbusters would still use the standard khaki jumpsuit, however this would include the addition of a paramedic rocker under the ghost patch. Given their dual-role, they don’t exactly fit into the EMS category. Therefore their back patches would read “GMS”, which stands for “Ghost Medicine Specialist”.

Equipment

I think the team would have a very large amount of gear to carry to each call. Therefore it’s probably a good thing that they staff a 4-man crew. The best way to tackle this issue would be to modify their existing equipment to serve as dual-purpose.

  • Proton Pack – This handy ghost-zapping pack can be retrofitted to be used as a non-contact remote defibrillation device. It gives a whole new meaning to “hands-free defibrillation”
  • Ecto Goggles – On a standard ghost call, these are typically used to spot invisible ghosts and track PKE valences. For EMS calls, they can used for BSI precautions or as x-ray vision to find broken bones.
  • Giga Meter – While normally used to monitor psychomagnatheric energy, this handy device can be easily modified for use as a complete body scan. This would monitor ECG readings, Sp02, blood glucose, cardiac enzymes, toxicology (my favorite) and with a small add-on, it can detect the usual B.S.
  • Slime Blower – This high powered device could serve a dual-purpose and be used as a form of medication administration. The new acronym for this route of administration would be “SB” (Slime Blown).

Being that I had so much fun writing this story, I decided to make a t-shirt available to anyone that wants to support the new “GMS” service.


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If Tom Cruise was a Paramedic

May 7, 2010 By 1 Comment

With Tom’s gap in employment after being dropped  by Paramount, he was left to possibly find other line of work. Perhaps focusing his time with Scientology was going to be his new calling? Or perhaps he could take up a new career path in the pre-hospital setting as a paramedic….

So now we must ask ourselves,

What kind of Paramedic would Tom Cruise be?

Shifts

If the cameras are rolling, then Tom Cruise is on the job. He may decide to take breaks from the action every now and then, but withdrawals caused by lack of media attention would bring him back to work. After all, mainstream psychiatry is no way to treat media addiction!

Employment

Tom would undoubtedly have to be self-employed. He wouldn’t be able to hold down a job at a regular ambulance service as he would get fired for running his mouth on TV.

Dispatch

Human paramedics are typically dispatched by other humans in dispatch centers when a call for distress is received via a traditional telephone. “Thetans” – or as commonly known as “immortal aliens” – like Tom Cruise use mind reading to sense when one is in distress. Of course the training to do such a thing is completed on other planets…..in their previous life.

Protocols

Tom Cruise doesn’t believe in traditional EMS protocols. He believes that they are a scam and are destructive. After all, his method of emergency medicine is the ONLY proven way to produce positive results. I mean come on people, he has done the research. HE KNOWS EMS! YOU DON’T!

Scene Safety

We all know that Tom is very delicate and sensitive. He would need 24/7 security to protect himself from worldly, anti-depressant pill poppers like Brook Shields. Or even worse…..camera guys with water-squirting microphones.

Partner

I would imagine that it would be hard to find people that could tolerate Tom Cruise for very long. So it’s safe to say that he would have to work alone. But hey, he’s a scientologist….so bring it! Although on second thought, Tom and Mel Gibson could make a good team if they could break through their religious barriers.

Equipment

There isn’t much need to list any tools that Tom would need to fulfill his daily responsibilities as a paramedic. Since the drug companies are just money hungry mortals, he wouldn’t dare utilize any of their proven methods of emergency care. All he needs is a spell book, a magic wand, a bunch of vitamins and a constant flow of money to maintain his status as a scientologist.

As always, I welcome all comments and suggestions. Stay tuned for next weeks “Celebrity Medic”!


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If Tiger Woods was a Paramedic

April 9, 2010 By 6 Comments

Tiger Woods attention in the news lately had left many people wondering what kind of return to golf he would have. Perhaps he was done with professional golf? We all know that his value to the sponsors certainly went down. So perhaps Tiger could choose another career like all billionaire sports stars do and become a paramedic! This of course left me to wonder…..

What kind of paramedic would Tiger Woods be?

Shifts

Tiger Woods probably wouldn’t make his schedule known…..at least not to his wife.

Mass Casualty Incidents

I would imagine that transporting one patient at a time would eventually get old for Tiger Woods. While it may seem that an MCI would be right up his alley, I have heard that he isn’t good at juggling between multiple patients.

Dispatch

There is only one way to truly get a hold of Tiger Woods in the event of an emergency. Your standard radio or quick call system would not do the trick. I think it’s obvious that text messages would probably get the most rapid response. Of course these messages would have to be immediately deleted to ensure confidentiality.

Radio Reports

As previously mentioned, Tiger Woods wouldn’t do so great with broadcasting his reports over the radio. My guess is that his patient information would be transfered in the form of discrete voice mails.

Partner

We all know that a billionaire golf star is nothing without a good driver…….

Euipment

This is normally the part where I would list the essential tools for his day-to-day operations. However, Tiger was unable to get any sponsors to provide him with his equipment.


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