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If Dr. House Was a Paramedic

February 11, 2011 By 4 Comments

After a needed break, the Celebrity Medic series is back! This week we are going to discuss someone who in my opinion, could be the best candidate for a job in EMS yet. Dr. House has made quite the living entertaining us on Monday nights for some time now, but like any other TV show, all good things must come to an end. So what happens to the arrogant, yet extremely smart doctor once they pull the plug? He could retire and enjoy a life at ease, but I think we all know that wouldn’t happen. He would need some form of additional income to help fund his gambling habit, and what better way than a career in EMS? So then we must ask ourselves the big question….

What kind of paramedic would Dr. House be?

Response

Unlike most EMS providers who respond to pagers and quick-call systems, Dr. House would be tracked down by his boss to inform him of an interesting call. For the most part, he would handle all of the critical cases. That is unless he gets in trouble. In that case, he would be assigned dialysis transfer duty for a duration decided by his boss.

Vehicle

I find it hard to believe that Dr. House would have any job satisfaction driving around in an ambulance all day. Instead, he would utilize his motorcycle and ride in with the responding crew if he felt it necessary. This probably wouldn’t happen often as he would fix most of his patients on scene, eliminating the need for a hospital visit.

Shifts

While it’s difficult to determine what kind of shift he would work, we do know that it would be one that requires the least amount of hours possible.

Protocols

It wouldn’t really matter what’s allowed at Dr. House’s ambulance service, because he wouldn’t follow the protocols. That is unless those protocols allowed things like performing a liver transplant on scene of a vehicle accident, or ignoring DNR orders.

Partner

Dr. House would most likely want a team rather than a partner. But if I had to take a guess, I would say that Dr. Wilson would be the best fit for the job. He’s used to House’s antics and can counter-balance his negativity on scene. Plus he’s great with dying patients.

Specialties

While Dr. House’s service would respond to all types of critical calls, they would definitely specialize in pain management. We already know that House is well educated and experienced in the techniques of narcotic administration.

Scene Safety

Being cleared into a scene is something that Dr. House wouldn’t wait for. Chances are, he would bust into any situation, regardless of the dangers. While this could be dangerous and potentially lethal, it could reduce or eliminate the need for hazmat, law enforcement and technical rescue. This would be beneficial to the public safety workers as well, as they most likely wouldn’t like working with House anyway.

Conclusion

Dr. House’s previous medical experience, ability to see past lies, critical thinking skills, laziness and arrogance would make him a perfect fit for a job in EMS.

Have an idea for the next “Celebrity Medic”? E-Mail me at sean@medicmadness.com


Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Featured, Humor Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

If Charlie Sheen was a Paramedic

November 26, 2010 By Leave a Comment

The well-known star seen in the hit tv-series “2 and a half men”, has been all over the headlines recently. Many people have criticized the actor’s lifestyle and are now wondering what will happen to his career if he keeps up this questionable behavior. Could this be the end of his role on the “big screen”? If so, what will he do next? If Charlie was to make a complete lifestyle change, why not change his career completely and take up a job in EMS? A change like this would of course lead us to the question of the week.

What kind of paramedic would Charlie Sheen be?

Shifts:

Your average 12 or 24 hour shift wouldn’t work so well for the long-time actor. Instead, you would see something like a 30 minute shift, one day a week, on Mondays at 9pm / 8pm central time.

Response:

Mr. Sheen wouldn’t respond to a typical 911 call. Instead, he chooses his patients and pays them to accept medical treatment and transport to the closest most appropriate hospital. It should be known that he typically selects attractive young women.

Partner:

While I’m sure that many people would like to work for Mr. Sheen’s ambulance service, I think the only logical choice for a partner would be his sober coach. Having a positive influence would be especially important when working in the emergency medical field.

Radio Reports:

Rather than utilize a 2-way radio system, Mr. Sheen would hand off patient information to the nursing staff via “flirty” text messages and tabloid articles.

Response Times:

If there is one thing Charlie Sheen is good for, it’s keeping track of time. He could utilize his extensive watch collection to keep track of all response times and to ensure a timely response to all calls for service.

Pain Management:

While Charlie’s ambulance service would carry narcotics to manage pain, it would be highly unlikely that any of them would ever reach the patient. This would force him to rely on other methods, like a placebo to manage his patient’s pain.

Conclusion:

While it may be scandalous, working for Mr. Sheen’s ambulance service (Two and a Half Medics, inc) could be a lot of fun. Short working hours, exceptional pay, and adult movie stars for partners. I really think that Mr. Sheen will have his work cut out for him once he leaves the big screen.

Have an idea for next week’s “Celebrity Medic”? E-Mail me at sean@medicmadness.com.



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If Sarah Palin Was a Paramedic

November 5, 2010 By 5 Comments

Running for Vice President of the United States didn’t work out for her and she recently quit her job as Governor of Alaska. So now everyone is wondering if she will continue to be in the campaign spotlight for other candidates, or will she take the leap of faith and run for President? What if she chooses neither? Then perhaps a new career in EMS would be right up her alley.

So naturally lets ask ourselves the question of the century: What kind of paramedic would Sarah Palin be?

Shifts

Unlike other EMS jobs, Sarah would have to be voted into her position by a group of her peers that work in the EMS industry. Once elected, she would typically work Monday through Friday, 8am to 5pm. All holidays would be paid vacation and she could typically take time off as she pleased. However, about half-way through her expected time in her career she would most likely resign and move on to marketing products related to the EMS industry.

Response

Rather than utilize the traditional “quick call” system to alert her to emergency traffic, she would respond to negative press and campaign ads against her patients. Response times would typically take 24 to 48 hours as she would need time to come up with a treatment plan and consult with her advisors.

Service Area

While I’m guessing that Mrs. Palin would base her service in the Alaska area, I’m sure that whatever area she chose would have to be visible from her house.

Scene Safety

Are you kidding me? Mess with Sarah and you would have thousands of gun-toting, right-wingers on your ass faster that you could say “change”.

Radio Reports

Radios are outdated. Instead, Mrs. Palin would deliver patient care reports in the form of campaign speeches, televised debates and smear-campaign ads.

Service Name

Tea Party Medical Services….duh!

Equipment

Sarah would require some specialized medical equipment to help perform her job as a paramedic. Some examples would include:

  • Zoll “Election Series” ECG monitor / defibrillator – Comes with all of the handy features of the standard “E-Series” with the addition of a built in teleprompter for giving radio reports.
  • Folding Backboards – These would be used to treat patients with potential spinal trauma, and could be folded into a make-shift podium. This would be needed for when she delivered reports to nursing staff.
  • Portable Ventilator / Hair Dryer – This handy device wouldn’t just be for positive pressure ventilation. By attaching a small accessory and hitting the heat switch, this could easily be used to keep up “the do”.
  • Pencil Skirts – These aren’t just for fashion. When Sarah isn’t dressing up for campaign speeches these tight articles of clothing can be used to stabilize hip-fractures or to shunt blood towards vital organs.

As you can see, Sarah Palin would make a perfect candidate for a job in the pre-hospital field. Her popularity, financial backing and handy equipment all make her a perfect fit for the job!

Have a suggestion for next weeks “Celebrity Medic”? E-mail me at sean@medicmadness.com


Filed Under: Celebrity Medics Tagged With: , , , ,

If Herman Munster Was a Paramedic

October 31, 2010 By Leave a Comment

In the spirit of Halloween, I think that Herman Munster would be a perfect fit for the Celebrity Medic Series. He may be hundreds of years old, but still perfectly able to perform the required duties of a paramedic. So lets ask ourselves the question of this dark, spooky, holiday.

What kind of paramedic would Herman Munster be?

Shifts:

Given Mr. Munsters super-human abilities, there would be no doubt that he would able to respond to emergency calls 24 hours a day. The fact that he works at a funeral home might be a little old-school but it would be the perfect place to start an ambulance service.

Vehicle:

Obviously the only choice for an emergency transport vehicle would be the classic Munster Mobile. It’s already configured as a hearse and can achieve speeds in excess of 150mph. Needless to say, a Road Safety system would not be used.

Scene Safety:

Herman wouldn’t need to worry about scene safety as he is known to be nearly invincible. Reflective vests would not be required as he would be unharmed in the event of a vehicle striking him. As a matter of fact, the vehicle would crush upon impact.  Obviously he wouldn’t have to worry about combative patients or even weapons.

Lifting Assistance:

Being that Herman has the ability to lift a wrecking ball and a large vehicle with a single hand, it would be needless to say that he would not require any assistance with extrication. He also wouldn’t need any special tools for rescue operations as he could rip apart any vehicle with his bare hands.

Response Area:

Herman’s response area would be based out of “Mockingbird Heights”, the area in which the Munster Family lives. Their main office would be located at 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Uniform:

I would think that finding a uniform large enough to fit Herman would be very difficult. Therefore I think his standard sports-coat and slacks would be acceptable. He would of course need a patch that reads “Mockingbird EMS”.

Conclusion:

Herman’s freak-like strength, kind heart, ability to withstand any amount of trauma, and incredibly fast vehicle all make him an excellent candidate for an EMS professional. Happy Halloween everyone!


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If Brett Favre Was a Paramedic

October 23, 2010 By Leave a Comment

All of us football fans know him. There is no doubt that he is an exceptional quarterback. However, one minute he’s retired and the next he’s back in the game. His indecisiveness has left us all wondering when he will finally hang up his helmet and leave the NFL for good. More importantly, what will he do when he finally does retire? Perhaps he could do like most NFL retirees and become a sports anchor, or he could really take on a new route and seek a job in the life-saving business of EMS.

So lets ask ourselves the questions of the century. What kind of paramedic would Brett Favre be?

Shifts

Brett would have a pretty easy schedule as he would only be required to work 16 days a year. Mostly consisting of Sunday afternoons and Monday nights.

Continuing Education

While most paramedics are required to complete 48 hours of continuing education, Mr. Favre is actually required to spend 6-8 weeks in the late summer refreshing. However, this requirement can be waved by putting in retirement notices every year.

Protocols

Brett’s EMS service would have to incorporate standing orders with liberal policies on pain management. This would be essential as this is Mr. Favre’s area of expertise.

Scene Safety

While Brett may be equipped with an exceptional amount of personal protective equipment, he would require several large co-workers to ensure that his work environment was clear from danger.

Radio Reports

Rather than utilize the old EMS standard of radio communications, Mr. Favre would instead hand off pertinent patient information in the form of obscene text/picture messages. While it may seem unprofessional, this form of communication could be helpful in showing the ER staff a clear picture of the patient’s presentation. It could also be used to attempt to score dates with the nurses.

Uniforms

To Brett Favre, polyester is a thing of the past. Instead he would utilize his endorsement from Wranglers to provide jeans to everyone in his service. This of course would require everyone on his staff to participate in clothing commercials.

Quality Assurance

Most EMS services have staff that review written documentation to ensure quality patient care. This is an age-old method that is useful but out of date. Instead, Mr. Favre’s service would utilize instant replay and post-call commentators to breakdown and review his actions. This would of course be done by retired paramedics.

Conclusion

Brett Favre’s good health, excellent social skills, great wealth and willingness to work in several areas makes him a perfect fit for a job in EMS.

Have a suggestion for next weeks “Celebrity Medic”?. Send me an e-mail at sean@medicmadness.com


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If Mel Gibson was a Paramedic

October 15, 2010 By 2 Comments

We all know him from hit movies such as “The Patriot”, “Lethal Weapon” and “Braveheart”. I don’t believe that there is a doubt in anyone’s mind that he is an exceptional actor. However, bad press in the recent years has left many people wondering if the end of his acting career is near. What would he do if he left the big screen for good? This would be the perfect opportunity for Mel to seek a career in pre-hospital care.

So the question is, what kind of paramedic would Mel Gibson be?

Shifts

A 2pm to 10pm shift would probably benefit Mel. This would allow him plenty of time to partake in late night outings and give him plenty of time to recover in the morning before reporting to work.

Response Vehicle

Many things came to mind when determining the vehicle that Mel would respond in. I think the best choice would be Danny Glover’s station wagon from the early Lethal Weapon movies. The vehicle is already equipped with emergency lights and sirens and it could easily be retrofitted for use as a transport vehicle.

Partner

I think it’s obvious that Danny Glover would make the ideal partner for Mel. In addition to using his car, Danny could be utilized to drive for Mr. Gibson. This would be necessary as his recent traffic violations involving alcohol would most likely prohibit him from operating an emergency vehicle.

Protocols

You could write protocols for Mel’s ambulance service but we all know he wouldn’t follow them. He will just have to use Danny as his voice of reason.

Radio Reports

Rather than utilize the traditional form of radio communication, Mel would hand off patient information in the form of conspicuous voice mail messages. He would utilize heavy breathing patterns to mimic the patient’s respiratory status and give the ER staff a clear picture of how the patient is breathing.

Uniform

I would personally like to see him adopt the outfit from “The Patriot”. Especially the hat. The only addition required would be a patch labeled “TP-EMS”, an acronym for “The Passion of EMS”.

Scene Safety

Pretty much every movie Mel has starred in has showed us that he isn’t afraid of danger. I would imagine that a staging policy would not be necessary. Besides, if all else fails, he can send Danny out in his underwear as a distraction while he treats the patient.

Conclusion

Mel’s good working relationship with his partner, ability to kick some ass, means to quickly respond and ability to defend himself in high-risk areas make him the perfect candidate for a job in EMS. You can assured that he wouldn’t take any crap from patients, bystanders, triage nurses, supervisors and doctors. All exceptional qualities in a paramedic.

Have a suggestion for next weeks “Celebrity Medic”? Comment below or e-mail me at sean@medicmadness.com.


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If David Hasselhoff Was a Paramedic

September 17, 2010 By 4 Comments

Now I don’t typically make a habit out of hassling ”The Hoff”, but I think this weeks post will be an exception. The timing is perfect. David Hasselhoff’s career has certainly seen better days. Bad press and embarrassing roasts have left the man to wonder what comes next in his career? Well why not take that life guarding experience and put it to good use the field of Emergency Medical Services? So lets ask ourselves the big question of the week…

What kind of Paramedic would David Hasselhoff be?

Shifts

I’m not so sure that “The Hoff” could pick a permanent shift that would work for him. Between “Bay Watch” and “Night Rider”, he has shown us that he can do either just as well.

Partner

The 2 obvious choices would be a hot blond lifeguard and a talking car. I don’t know about you but I think the first option would be a preferred choice.

Vehicle

This one should be a no-brainer. A 1982 Pontiac Trans-am would be the obvious choice for “The Hoff’s” response vehicle. It comes equipped with a voice-guided GPS, pre-installed light bar, and the ability to drive itself should Mr. Hasselhoff’s blood-alcohol level prohibit him from safely operating the vehicle.

Uniform

I’m going to have to stay away from the lifeguard outfit, only because it’s difficult to properly identify yourself when you are only wearing a pair of shorts. I really think the jacket and black speedos would be more appropriate and more awesome. A back patch labeled “HMS” for “Hoff Medical Services” would be used as well.

Radio Reports

David Hasselhoff wouldn’t utilize the traditional 2-way radio to hand off patient information. Instead he would deliver his reports in the form of bad singing and “AA” speeches.

Conclusion

Between his lifeguard training, awesome driving abilities and ability to adapt and overcome bad press, I think that he would a perfect fit for a job in the pre-hospital setting.

As always, I welcome any comments. Have a great week and stay tuned for the next “Celebrity Medic”.


Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Humor Tagged With: , , , ,

Exercise your rights! Vote for your Celebrity Medic

August 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

As you all know I periodically publish new articles in my “Celebrity Medic” series. Each time I feature a celebrity or fictional character and tell a story about what kind of paramedic they would be. There is no doubt that all of the celebrities featured the series make outstanding paramedics. What I want to know is what celebrity medic would you want as your partner?

I have opened up a poll on Facebook for everyone to exercise their rights and vote for their favorite celebrity medic. The polls close on September 1st so cast your ballet now before it’s too late!

You find the poll on the Medic Madness Facebook Page or directly here.


Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Humor Tagged With: , ,

If Bill and Ted were Paramedics

August 20, 2010 By 2 Comments

The last “celebrity medic” featured a popular scientist that had the ability to travel through time. Well this week I want to step it up a notch and feature 2 totally awesome time traveling dudes that I feel would be a perfect fit for a job in EMS. Whether they are running excellent adventures to calls for critical trauma, or bogus journeys to the local nursing homes, Bill and Ted would most definitely lead the EMS industry.

So as always, we must ask the ever important question. What kind of paramedics would Bill and Ted be?

Shifts

As mentioned before, time travel makes shifts a thing of the past.

Vehicle

I’m going to have to stick with the original time-traveling phone booth. This is for the simple reason that it is just to awesome to modify. Multiple patients can be transported in this vehicle, however they would be have to be placed in a standing position.

Scene Safety

Being cleared to scenes would not be necessary for Bill and Ted’s ambulance service. Their safety would be ensured by bringing along “Billy the Kid” and “Genghis Khan”. I can assure you that the team would be left unharmed.

Supervision

Bill and Ted may make good medics, but would require some oversight. And what better person to fill the roll of “Totally Excellent Paramedic Supervisor” than the one and only Rufus? He’s smart, experienced and comes complete with his own phone booth.

Medical Direction

Finding a medical director would not be a problem for team. Dr. Sigmund Freud may be old-school, but he would be a great fit. The “Freud Dude” could also be utilized for critical incident stress debriefing.

Fitness Programs

As we all know, physical health is something that is commonly overlooked in EMS. Bill and Ted would have the benefit of utilizing “Joan of Arch” to start their first aerobics class.

Service Name

Wild Stallions Ambulance Service dude!

Equipment

What would Bill and Ted’s ambulance service be without some totally awesome equipment? Below is a list of some essential tools:

  • Fender American Stratocaster / traction splint.
  • Guitar Tuner – Could double as an Sp02 monitor.
  • Marshall 150watt guitar amp with external port for attaching defibrillator paddles.
  • Hollowed out drum – To be used as a c-collar.
  • Yamaha Keyboard – Can be used to make siren noises or as a backboard.
  • Guitar Cables – Can be used as restraints.

As always, I welcome any comments or suggestions. I hope you all have a great week!


Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Humor Tagged With: , , , , , ,

If Al Gore was a Paramedic

July 10, 2010 By 2 Comments

As science continues to work against the theory of global warming and allegations of inappropriate behavior plague the former Vice President, the possibility of Al Gore seeking alternative employment has never been closer to reality. While adjusting to an EMS salary will prove itself to be difficult, I couldn’t think of a better person for the job.

So now we ask ourselves the question of the week. What kind of paramedic would Al Gore be?

Shifts

Recent news has shown us that Mr. Gore prefers to operate at night. I’m guessing that his service would be based out of a hotel room as well.

Response

Al Gore wouldn’t utilize traditional forms of EMS dispatch. He would require extensive scientific studies performed by people not related to the health care industry before responding to calls for service.

Vehicles

EMTs and paramedics working for Al Gore’s ambulance service would be required to drive hybrid or electric powered vehicles. This would require longer response time standards. Also phrases like “the golden hour” would be abolished as such time frames would be unachievable. It should also be noted that members of management would be exempt from using these vehicles and would be issued large SUVs.

Radio Reports

Rather than call into base hospitals via a core radio, Al Gore would hand off patient information in the form of books and public speeches.

Uniforms

Al Gore would most likely adapt the traditional button-up EMS uniform. This includes an “AIAS” patch, an acronym for “An Inconvenient Ambulance Service”.

Critical Incident Stress Management

Al Gore would address the stress that comes with running critical calls by participating in sessions of late night massages at his hotel-based ambulance station. These sessions are private and confidential.

Equipment

There are many essential tools that make running Mr. Gore’s ambulance service possible. Some of which include:

  • Solar powered cardiac monitor / defibrillator - Comes with an optional hand-crank for night time use. This device is capable of delivering up to 13 joules of energy with every5 hour solar charge.
  • Gauze wraps – Made from 100% used bandages. Not very sanitary but extremely environmentally friendly.
  • Reusable IV catheters.
  • Wind powered laryngoscope – The portable wind generator can be stuck out the window of a moving ambulance to illuminate the light while intubating. Unfortunately due to the low speed of the hybrid ambulance, the light isn’t very bright.

As always, I welcome any comments or suggestions. Have a great week!


Filed Under: Celebrity Medics, Humor Tagged With: , , , , ,
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