March is here, and what better way to kick off “The Office” month then a Celebrity Medic write up on Dwight K. Schrute? With his boss leaving the cast, it is uncertain where Mr. Schrute will find himself. Some speculate that he will take over as office manager, while others think that perhaps he too will look for other forms of employment. Personally, I think Dwight and the rest of the office staff should turn their business around and start an ambulance service. So let’s kick off “The Office” month with the question we have all been waiting to answer:

What kind of paramedic would Dwight Schrute be?

Shifts

While it would appear that Dwight prefers the 9-5 schedule, he would actually be on duty 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You wouldn’t know this because he would be an under-cover paramedic.

Response

Dwight isn’t one for relying on other people to call-take and dispatch his calls for help. Instead he would have his calls routed to his work phone at Dunder Mifflin. Being that Dwight takes a more investigative approach to patient care, his patients would not be calling him directly for help. Instead, random people would call into his anonymous tip line to alert him of ill and injured people in the public. He would then set out to find them and take appropriate action.

Vehicle

Being that Dwight works under-cover, the traditional ambulance or first-responder vehicle wouldn’t be sufficient. Instead he would continue to drive his red 1987 Pontiac Firebird and utilize his police detective light to operate code-3 when necessary. His vehicle would also be equipped with archives of Mötley Crüe albums to get him pumped up in the back seat before entering the scene of a call.

Scene Safety

With Dwight’s experience as a volunteer sheriffs deputy, his large arsenal of weapons, and his training in Goju Ryu, I think it’s safe to say that he would not have to be cleared into a potentially dangerous scene. However, it would still be a good idea to respond the authorities to make sure that no unnecessary force was used.

Treatment

Dwight doesn’t like doing on-scene work, and transporting to the hospital isn’t quite his style either. Instead Mr. Schrute would transport the ill and injured to his 9 bedroom house on his beet farm, where they would be sheltered and medically evaluated by his partner Moses. Dwight would keep emergency medications hidden around the house in places like ceiling panels, the toaster, under the bed and inside the light fixtures. This would allow for quick and easy access in the event of a medical emergency. Trauma care would consist of old-fashioned techniques like “walk it off” or “suck it up”.

In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is “ow, I hurt my leg, I can’t run, a lion eats me, and I’m dead.” Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion………your dead.

-Dwight K Schrute

Uniform

For Dwight’s under-cover job as a paramedic, the traditional EMS uniform wouldn’t cut it. Instead he would continue to wear his mustard-colored shirt and tie with a badge on his belt labeled “DMEMS”, which stands for “Dunder Mifflin Emergency Medical Services”.

Specialties

While Dwight is fairly well versed in all forms of medical care, he is especially educated in treatment of bear attacks, and organ harvesting.

Conclusion

Almost all of Dwights talents would give him an upper hand when it comes to pre-hospital care. His experience in sales would give him the ability to talk patients into going to the hospital while his training in investigations would allow him to complete a thorough assessment. In addition, his knowledge of trauma, experience as a sheriff’s deputy, ability to adapt and knowledge of the outdoors would make him a perfect candidate for a job in EMS.

Stay tuned for next weeks “Celebrity Medic” to find out which Office character will be the next to take up a job in EMS.