If Mitt Romney Was A Paramedic

With election season around the corner, 2 people are going to be faced with some major career changes. One of them is going to lead this country, and the other is going to become unemployed. With Mitt Romney’s poll numbers starting to slide, it’s uncertain if he’s going to have a job come November. Sure, he could probably stand to not work for the rest of his life, but at the risk of becoming one of the 47%, I would imagine that he would immediately start to look for some form of employment. This would be a huge opportunity for him to make a difference in healthcare by taking up a job in the pre-hospital setting.

So without further delay, we must ask ourselves the big question of the week:

What kind of paramedic would Mitt Romney be?

Mr. Romney’s job would start sometime around January and wouldn’t be secure forever. He would have to re-apply and go through the employment screening and hiring process every 4 years.

Once employed, Mitt’s first item on his agenda would be to immediately work towards repealing whatever set of protocols are in place. These would most likely be replaced by new guidelines that many would argue withhold or limit care for women and retired seniors. Others might argue that the new protocols would save the service money by limiting supplies and care to only those that pay their bills.

Funding for Mr. Romney’s ambulance service would be obtained similar to that of a campaign contribution. These donations would primarily be made by large drug companies. While this method would be effective in maintaining more than adequate funds, it would require protocols to be written that regularly include the use of said drug company’s products.

Staffing for Mitt’s ambulance service could be kept to a minimum as 47% of the population in his response area would never use his services. Instead, those residents would utilize a government-run EMS service that is funded by 100% tax dollars.

Performance for Mr. Romney’s service would not be evaluated based on response times. Instead, agencies would be hired to conduct scientific polls in his response area to determine the approval rating. This method would also be used heavily during contract bids.

Documentation would not require the use of paper or electronic patient care reports. Instead, all interventions during his call would be recorded secretly using cell phone cameras or tape recorders. He would only be require to maintain these medical records for 2 years.

Mitt’s radio reports would be unique as the information provided would be different than that of a traditional report. He wouldn’t provide the basic information about the chief complaint, vitals, or response to treatment. Instead, he would explain how the last paramedic to run the patient didn’t do a good enough job and how they will be better off not repeating their last pre-hospital experience.

In the end, his care would differ very little from the last few paramedics to hold his job. Treatment would continue to consist mostly of promises to start feeling better and blaming of previous forms of treatment. Most patients would complain that the service is inadequate, however they would continue to utilize and support it.

Have a suggestion for the next “Celebrity Medic”? Send me an e-mail at sean@medicmadness.com

 

Comments

comments

  • http://everydayemstips.com Greg Friese

    I am pretty sure Paramedic Romney’s partner, EMT Ryan, would make inflated claims about their chute time, response time, and scene time.

    • James Bartus

      He’d also have issues treating female patients unless they were having a “legitimate” heart attack.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Xavier-Onassis/100002851551157 Xavier Onassis

    Hahaahahaaaaaaaaaa!! That’s great!

    I’m linking to it on my blog just for fun – http://www.medic343.wordpress.com.

    Here’s a couple more for you:
    Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachmann: Paramedic
    Rush Limbaugh: Firefighter
    Donald Trump: Police Officer

    I have a quote from Rush Limbaugh: “Firefighters are nice to have, but they take away from private sector jobs [?!? hunh?] and contribute nothing to the economy.”

    Xavier Onassis

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  • jovan hernandez

    Are you talking about Mitt Romney or Barrack Hussain Obama? The current Paramedic in charge has done nothing but create more 4am toe pains and “My medicaid card pays your salaries!”, At least Romney has had prior Paramedic Experience and a JOB! As opposed to The other guy, some newby with big ideas and no experience! Finally, if Obama believes so much in Healthcare for everyone, why is he and his family not a part of it? Hippocrite! He wants to tell my I Have to buy it or get fined! When he gets the same healthcare I will vote for him, but he won’t ever because he knows it sucks and he wouldn’t put his own family through shotty healthcare!