If Beavis and Butthead Were Paramedics

The recent return of – in my opinion – the greatest TV show MTV ever produced definitely calls for some celebration. And what better way to do it than to feature the dynamic duo as the latest “celebrity medic”? They have certainly had their share of adventures, have always adapted well to their surroundings and no matter what situation they find themselves in, they always remain calm and never lose their cool. These are all traits that we look for in a good paramedic. Besides, having worked their dead-end job at Burger-World for years, I’m sure they would be ready for a new line of work. So let’s celebrate their triumphant return to late-night television by asking ourselves the big question:

What kind of paramedics would Beavis and Butthead be?

Shifts

It’s pretty obvious that Beavis and Butthead don’t really commit to anything, so assigning shifts would be pointless. Instead, they would be a better fit in a volunteer / on-call scheduling environment. This way they could respond to calls when they find time between watching music videos, trying to get beer, and going on whatever random journey they can think of.

Response

A traditional radio / quick-call system would prove itself to be ineffective. The noise would probably just annoy them and would most likely lead to destruction of the alerting device with some form of heavy object. Instead, Beavis and Butthead would just do what they normally do and “stumble” into emergencies during their everyday routine.

Radio Reports

When calling in to the receiving hospital,  Beavis and Butthead wouldn’t utilize the traditional format for delivering patient information. Instead, they would key up the microphone and just ramble on random observations about their patient’s condition and appearance, similar to the way they comment on music videos.

Below is an example of a typical radio report from Beavis and Butthead:

Butthead: “Uhhhhhh, hello?”

Hospital: “Go ahead from County Hospital”

Butthead: “Uhhhh, heyyyy baby, we like have this guy who got hit by a car. He’s bleeding and stuff everywhere”

Beavis: “Hehe, yea, it’s pretty awesome”

Butthead: “Shut up dumbass, I’m giving the radio report”

Hospital: “How much blood has he lost?”

Butthead: “Uhhhhh, like, you know, almost all of it”

Beavis: “It’s not that much really”

Butthead: “Dammit Beavis, shut up! I’m trying to score with this chick on the radio.”

Protocols

Treatment in the field would depend on the person providing the care. When Butthead is attending, his care could range from actually attempting to address the patient’s complaint, to sitting there and just making derogatory comments about the patient. Beavis takes a much simpler approach to pre-hospital emergency care. He would simply provide “TP for their bungholes”.

Continuing Education

Being that Beavis and Butthead are lacking in the education department, reading material would be virtually useless. Instead, visual study aids would be utilized for them to retain information that is presented. Protocol updates would be delivered in the form of music videos and lectures from attractive women who offer points towards “scoring” for passing protocol tests.

Conclusion

While Beavis and Butthead might not be the best paramedics in the world – actually they would be more like the worst – things seem to always work in their favor. They may be lazy and absent minded, but when actually put what little bit of brains they have towards accomplishing something, they typically stick with it until they get their desired results. Not much would affect them, which would be beneficial during periods of high stress. If they actually did save someones life, it would most likely be on accident. But hey, a save’s a save, right?