This week’s “Celebrity Medic” is unique as this is the first time that I have featured an operating system. Sure, it may seem unreasonable, but with Amazon’s server crash and SkyNet taking over, Mr. Gates may need to take his software development in a different direction. So when the machines rise and the war on artificial intelligence begins, let’s hope that we still have a few “ones and zeros” on our side. So when our army of bloated, over-priced, buggy, windows-powered paramedic robots come to our aid, we must ask ourselves:
What kind of a paramedic would the Windows Operating System be?
The windows operating system wouldn’t function well on a 24 hour shift as it would require several breaks, or re-boots if you will. My guess is the medic-bots would see optimal performance when run under short intervals.
Unlike humans, computers don’t respond well to radio traffic. Instead, Windows would utilize their “error reporting” feature to notify the medic-bots of a medical emergency. I guess the only catch is making sure people don’t just close down that little box when it pops up on their screen…..
Robots have the advantage of not worrying about potentially dangerous scenarios as they can pretty much defend themselves from any physical harm that a human would attempt. However, being that the medic-bots rely on “Internet Explorer” to navigate their way to the calls, they would have to worry about catching spyware and viruses. To combat this, police-bots would be dispatched with anti-virus and anti-spyware programs installed for protection.
While the actual written language of the medic-bot’s protocols are not available for public viewing, it is known that the Windows OS would utilize power-cycles, reboots, error messages and blue-screens to treat any disease process.
It should be noted that the medic-bots are for single-patient only. Each person utilizing their service would have to acquire a user-license, which come in 6 different packages:
- Home Medical Basic Edition – $89.99 per user
-BLS measures only with no trauma care enabled.
- Home Trauma Basic Edition – $89.99 per user
-BLS measures only with no medical care enabled.
- Medical Professional Edition – $169.99 per user
-ALS medical with BLS trauma included.
- Trauma Professional Edition – $169.99 per user
-ALS trauma with BLS medical included.
- Paramedic Premium Edition – $399.99 per user
-Complete pre-hospital care with ALS trauma and medical.
- Basic Response Edition – Comes free with the robot
-Only obtains AMA’s.
Some of you might worry about using robots in the war against robots, but worry not. The Windows Operating System is powered on money. In the event that the OS turns on it’s human creators, just hide your wallets and eventually it will refuse to function.
Have an idea for next weeks “Celebrity Medic”? E-mail me at email@example.com