If Sarah Palin Was a Paramedic

Running for Vice President of the United States didn’t work out for her and she recently quit her job as Governor of Alaska. So now everyone is wondering if she will continue to be in the campaign spotlight for other candidates, or will she take the leap of faith and run for President? What if she chooses neither? Then perhaps a new career in EMS would be right up her alley.

So naturally lets ask ourselves the question of the century: What kind of paramedic would Sarah Palin be?

Shifts

Unlike other EMS jobs, Sarah would have to be voted into her position by a group of her peers that work in the EMS industry. Once elected, she would typically work Monday through Friday, 8am to 5pm. All holidays would be paid vacation and she could typically take time off as she pleased. However, about half-way through her expected time in her career she would most likely resign and move on to marketing products related to the EMS industry.

Response

Rather than utilize the traditional “quick call” system to alert her to emergency traffic, she would respond to negative press and campaign ads against her patients. Response times would typically take 24 to 48 hours as she would need time to come up with a treatment plan and consult with her advisors.

Service Area

While I’m guessing that Mrs. Palin would base her service in the Alaska area, I’m sure that whatever area she chose would have to be visible from her house.

Scene Safety

Are you kidding me? Mess with Sarah and you would have thousands of gun-toting, right-wingers on your ass faster that you could say “change”.

Radio Reports

Radios are outdated. Instead, Mrs. Palin would deliver patient care reports in the form of campaign speeches, televised debates and smear-campaign ads.

Service Name

Tea Party Medical Services….duh!

Equipment

Sarah would require some specialized medical equipment to help perform her job as a paramedic. Some examples would include:

• Zoll “Election Series” ECG monitor / defibrillator – Comes with all of the handy features of the standard “E-Series” with the addition of a built in teleprompter for giving radio reports.
• Folding Backboards – These would be used to treat patients with potential spinal trauma, and could be folded into a make-shift podium. This would be needed for when she delivered reports to nursing staff.
• Portable Ventilator / Hair Dryer – This handy device wouldn’t just be for positive pressure ventilation. By attaching a small accessory and hitting the heat switch, this could easily be used to keep up “the do”.
• Pencil Skirts – These aren’t just for fashion. When Sarah isn’t dressing up for campaign speeches these tight articles of clothing can be used to stabilize hip-fractures or to shunt blood towards vital organs.

As you can see, Sarah Palin would make a perfect candidate for a job in the pre-hospital field. Her popularity, financial backing and handy equipment all make her a perfect fit for the job!

Have a suggestion for next weeks “Celebrity Medic”? E-mail me at sean@medicmadness.com