As I’m writing this, I have been sitting in a hospital room for 24 hours now awaiting the birth of my daughter. This experience has shown me that there are things about delivering babies that they just don’t teach you in Paramedic school. I figured I would share with all of you the “real stages of labor” and discuss some rules that go with each stage.
The First Stage:
This stage is usually initiated by a phone call while you are at work. Signs of this stage include mass hysteria, running back and forth from the house and the car getting that “one last item”, and disobeying every possible traffic ordinance on the way to the hospital.
Here are some facts to remember regarding this stage:
- The mothers age divided by the length of time between contractions = the number of hours spent in the waiting room before getting a bed.
- The person in the waiting room claiming to know the most about pregnancies and labor actually knows the least. It should also be noted that this person will be the loudest and most demanding.
- Every year of your assigned nurses age removes one point from the “kindness and compassion” scale. This scale can also be altered by the years of experience in the department and number of children the nurse has.
- You are to remain NPO for the duration of your labor. This rule can be waived by offering the nurses some of your hidden snacks.
The Second Stage
This stage is started when the mother blames the father for all of her pain and discomfort. Common phrases include; “You did this to me” and “This is all your fault”. It should be noted that this stage is accompanied by large amounts of pain, yelling, and profanity.
Some things to remember when dealing with this stage of labor:
- No matter how hard he tries, the father cannot defuse the situation with kind words, gifts or massages.
- The better the insults get, the closer you are to delivery. For example; “I hate you right now” would indicate that you still have several hours left while “You piece of S*&$, no good worthless bastard, I hope you have to F$%&ing suffer one day” would indicate that deliver is right around the corner.
- Flowers are good but epidurals are better. If the doctor offers you any form pain management or an epidural, your answer is YES.
- Acts of physical violence up to and including punching, throwing objects and choking would indicate imminent delivery. Please prepare for the next stage.
The Third Stage
This stage is obviously triggered by the successful birth of your baby. While this is often the most feared stage, it is by far the best stage. All the anger and frustration seen is the previous 2 stages will subside and happiness will settle in. There are however some things to remember during this stage:
- The mother no longer cares if the father watches the baby actually being born.
- The mother will undoubtedly be jealous when the father gets to be the first parent to hold the baby.
- The last 24 hours will be a good indication of the amount of sleep you are going to get for the next 3 months.
These stages might not coincide with what you have read previously. But if you have been through this, then you will know that “the real stages of labor” trumps anything found in a medical textbook. These are cold hard facts and should be taught to medical professionals around the world.
